Confession

I have a confession to make.  There is something I’ve done that I haven’t wanted to talk about, but I think it’s about time to put it out there.

Ok, here goes….

For the past month or so, there has been a baby car seat in my car.

I work with a lady who’s baby just turned one, and got too big for her car seat.  So she was willing to sell it to me on the cheap.  How could I pass it up?

So why is this such a secret?  Well for IFers to buy a major piece of baby thingies is a big deal.  It feels like it’s challenging fate.  Like everything has been going so well that if I just try to go with the flow something bad will happen.

I’m at the point that I feel like I can’t help myself now.  I’ve only bought some baby and home birth books so far.  I received a blanket and picture frame from family over Christmas.

Oh, and I did pick out the crib I wanted this past weekend.  Apparently you have to order that stuff early.  How much longer can I really put this stuff off?

I want to enjoy this, and I feel like when I find out the sex in a week or so there won’t be any holding back.  I’ve had the car seat for a while now, so is that a good sign?

Ok, so why the confession now?  Well, I made a purchase today that made me want to share it with the world.

It’s a book called ‘What Makes a Baby‘.  Ok well it’s not made yet.  The author is asking for funding through Kickstarter, but he’s already made his goal so I’m guessing it’s a go.  Why fund it?  Well for a $30 pledge, I get a copy of the book.  Plus, hopefully we’ll be showing others that books like this need to be made.

What makes this book so baller?  Well it’s “a modern picture book about where babies come that it fits for every kind of family and every kind of kid”.  It’s going to talk about babies made from IVF, adoption, surrogates, etc.

I’ve often wondered how we’re going to tell our child how they were born.  I don’t want to lie to them, but I don’t want them to feel like something is wrong with them because they were a test tube baby.  So I’m really excited about this book.

Please click the link and check it out.  You can make as little as a $1 donation and help support non-traditional families and children.  Thank you!

 

Mo Love

It seems like everyone in the community knows Mo at Mommy Odyssey.

As many of us keep reading in our reading lists, Mo’s water broke at 22 weeks and of what I’m still hearing they are waiting to see if it will refill itself.  It’s not promising though.

I can’t imagine what she must be going through.  My heart is breaking for her and her family.  Just two weeks from fetal viability.  It’s not fair.  No one deserves this, but especially not Mo who’s been through too much already.

Please send her your thoughts, prayers, vibes, or whatever you can.  You can send her a message of love here.

 

And Now For Something Completely Different

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in infertility and babies that it can put a real strain on our relationships.  We should take the time to appreciate our loved ones every day, but when you’re loaded with hormones sometimes it’s not easy.  I’m kind of glad that Valentine’s has landed where it has because it feels like a great day and time to reflect on how this all began.

DH and I first met through an online dating sight.  He found me.  We emailed for a few days, and then he asked for my number.  He asked me to our first date the very first time he called me.

I was really apprehensive to even go.  It seemed like it was really quick, and I really didn’t think that I wanted to date someone who was 8 years older than I was.  As that Tuesday night approached, I finally decided to go.

I walked into the crowded bar, and found him saving me a seat.  We said our hellos, he pushed a piece of paper and pencil at me, and then he asked me, “are you ready?”  I had no clue what he was talking about.  He then informed me that it was Trivia Night.

I’m pretty sure I instantly fell in love that very second.

We played trivia, we talked, and at the end of the night he asked me if I wanted to meet his dog, Yoshi.  Smooth right?  I went though, and I pretty much never left after that.

Yoshi. He Doesn't Do Much, but He is Cute.

A year later we were vacationing in Gatlinburg, TN.  The last day of our trip he woke me up at 4 am and told me to dress warm.  We drove around for about an hour, and then he stopped in a parking lot.  I asked him what we were doing, and he informed me that we were hiking straight up about half a mile.  Not a long way, but we’re not in super shape and I was not in the mood.

I complained the whole way.  What in the world was he doing to me?  We finally ended up atop Clingman’s Dome, the second highest peak east of the Mississippi.  It was pretty and peaceful, but after 15 minutes or so I was freezing and ready to move on.

DH kept poking about.  Then when we could finally see the sun coming up over the mountains, he finally asked me to marry him.  If he still wanted to ask me after all that whining, I knew I better get that ring on my finger quick.

I'm Cold but Engaged

Marriage for the both of us was a big deal.  We both came from broken families, and that was something neither of us ever wanted to experience again.  We took a full year and a half to tie the knot and although we didn’t have a traditional wedding, it was the best day of my life.

Married Geeks

  Dealing with the infertility has probably been the hardest on our relationship, but the bottom line is what we have is so special.  I didn’t even want kids before him.  I wanted kids because of him and the love we have for each other.

  He is so kind, funny, smart, and patient.  I don’t know why some women marry men to change them.  Through accepting who he was and loving every bit of it, I learned to accept and love myself.  I’ve never been so confident and free to be myself before him.  The amazing thing is that he loves me just how I love him.

I could have never imagined someone could love me the way he does.  He makes me laugh every day.  He has given me more than I could ask for, and has made me so happy.

  I want to have his child because there needs to be more people in the world like him.  I never thought I would experience or deserved love like this.  I’m so blessed to have him and his baby growing in me.

  That’s what Valentine’s is all about, Charlie Brown

Infertile Remission

I wish that I had more exciting things to update you on, but we really have become a boring couple.  I promise that there will be a lot more in the coming months.  It’s just the calm before the storm.

The monthly midwife appointment went well.  We easily got the baby’s heartbeat, so I’m not worried that the tilted uterus is going to be an issue.  Everything is coming along well.

I haven’t had this issue yet, but for the last couple of weeks I’ve really been getting some bad mood swings.  Well, I don’t know if I would call it mood swings as much as easily being upset.  The slightest thing can send me into tears or put me quickly in an irritated or depressed mood.

I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t read pregnancy message boards anymore.  There are probably only 10% of posts that are worth reading.  There is just so much ignorance in the world, and it seems to compile there.

Then speaking of ignorance, there’s all the talk of IVF in the media.  Newt Gingrich said that he would be willing to make it illegal.  Reading comments on stories like this send me up a wall.

Somehow by having to create life through IVF, we didn’t do it by “god’s way” or some nonsense.  That somehow because we were infertile it was their god’s wish, and that we should “just adopt anyway”.

Now first of all, I’ve hinted before on this blog, but I didn’t want to make it a huge issue.  My DH and I are atheists.  We don’t care if or what you believe.  We’re not interested in your beliefs, that’s your business.  What I do mind is when you stick your beliefs in my business.

If you think your infertility is god’s wish, that he has punished you, and that he will send you to hell if you conceive through IVF then don’t get one.  But we live in a country that was founded on religious freedoms.  I can choose what to do with my reproduction free of the religious persecutions of others.  I find it frightening that so many ignorant judgmental zealots who want limited government don’t mind complete government control of women’s health.

I wonder if these people are just as comfortable telling cancer patients that its god’s wish that they have this horrid disease?  By their logic with infertility they should refuse treatment and “just die”.  Infertility is a disease.  Somehow it’s just become viewed as this non-disease that is somehow god’s business rather than a doctor’s.

Also, there is no “just” in adoption or infertility.  Anyone who utters the words “just adopt” should be legally made to first say, “in my ignorant opinion”.  It shows complete ignorance in understanding the issues or process of adoption, not to mention infertility in general.

The choice to adopt isn’t one you can “just” make.  It’s very serious.  Some like to say that to chose IVF over adoption is selfish.  If it is, then why would you want a selfish person to be forced to adopt a child they don’t believe they will be happy with?  How is that fair to the child?  Just because you are infertile doesn’t mean that you were meant to adopt, just as those who are fertile aren’t always meant to have children (Casey Anthony, maybe?).

Bottom line though is that our journey to a child is my DH and mine alone.  Just because you “think” (because you never know what you would chose unless you were really faced with it) you would chose another path doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone.  I’m not saying that adoption isn’t a good thing or that people shouldn’t do it.  I’m saying that you shouldn’t assume that just because someone is infertile that they are a good candidate for adoption.

Ugh, I hate these negative feelings.  I hate being upset or letting things weigh on and affect me.  I hate the ups and downs of this roller coaster.  By that I don’t strictly mean pregnancy.  I may not like it at times, but I wouldn’t change a thing.  I also mean the infertility journey.  Just because you become pregnant doesn’t mean you stop being infertile.

I’m just in infertile remission I guess.  It doesn’t mean that it’s not something that I won’t have to deal with the rest of my life.  It doesn’t mean that I won’t always be concerned with the legislative issues of infertiles and want justice for all those who deserve a family.

But it also doesn’t mean that it always has to weigh on me.  I did see this today and it made me smile:

  My baby is getting so big.  I’ll be able to find out the sex in just a couple of weeks.  I can’t wait!  I want to post about ideas for the nursery, cute outfits, and endlessly weigh over which strollers or cribs to get.  These are good and happy things, and we’re so blessed to be able to have them.

Thumb Sucker

I would have posted earlier, but I had pregnant brain when I went for a 13 week ultrasound.  It wasn’t until I got to the place that I looked around for my purse and realized that I had walked out the door without it.  What woman forgets her purse?!?  So I didn’t have my flash drive to put the pictures on.  I just don’t think they look as good if you scan the photos in.

Anyway, I managed to stop by and get my photos on the flash drive, and here they are:

I always hold my breath in the beginning.  The tummy ultrasound isn’t as clear as the trans vaginal ones, and I desperately search for that beating heart.  I can never find it though, but the tech did.  The heart rate was at 166, which is normal for it to drop a bit at this point.

Baby wasn’t bouncing around, but as you can see from the picture above it was very sweetly sucking it’s thumb.  You could actually watch it’s fist go back and forth.  I could watch it all day long.  The tech said that the thumb sucking was actually a good sign that the sucking/digestion/liver were all functioning properly.

Everything else looked good.  The tech tried to move the baby a bit, but it wasn’t having it.  It had it’s thumb and it was comfortable.  The bum was too far down so we couldn’t get any clue as to sex.  It’s still a little too early though, so I’m just happy to see that the second trimester is starting well.

I finally had a dream about the baby last night, and it was regarding sex.  I really haven’t had any dreams about the baby other than at times thinking, “Oh yeah, I’m pregnant.”  In last night’s dream I kept having these ultrasounds that were nothing like actual ultrasounds revealing the sex to be male.

Do I see it as a sign?  No.  I know some women “just know” what they’re having. I don’t have that feeling at all.  I have not a clue.  I think my dream was just my subconscious saying, “I want a boy!”

I have to agree with Garfunkel and Oates.  I think it’s ok to admit if you have a preference, and I do.  I want a boy.  I’ve never been a girly girl.  I don’t have many girlfriends.  I was a big tomboy growing up.  I just like boys.  It’s actually more of I think I would feel bad for her.  I can’t give beauty tips, I’m horrid at braiding hair, I hate pink, and as much as I love my family they all have image complexes….  Plus, my DH will be putty in her hands.  Why do I always have to be the bad guy?

Sure I may be a little bummed at first if it’s a girl, but I know it will be a fleeting feeling.  I think it’s just extra hard on infertiles because it’s not like we can just jump in sack and try again.  No, we have to go through the hormone injections, egg extraction, and $15,000 bill all over again for just a CHANCE of getting pregnant again and maybe getting a different sex.  Plus, we’re kind of guilted into “just being happy you have a baby”.  I really truly am, but I’m human and I can hope for a boy.

Alright, well my next update will probably be after my next Midwife appointment the beginning of February.  I can’t believe that’s only in two weeks though.  I don’t know whether I hope all the months fly by this quickly or not.

Oh, and here’s another picture because I’m now convinced my baby is cute based on head and nose shape :

Also, the thumb sucking habit is totally from my husband’s side….

Pregnancy Announcement

Of course two nerds would have to make a test tube baby!

DH (Dear Husband) and I are so relieved to be going into our second trimester.  Our first baby is due on July 26, 2012.

If you didn’t know this has been a long and hard journey for us both.  After a year of trying we were diagnosed with Male Factor Infertility.  To put it simply, if DH’s sperm could even make it to my egg (unlikely) it would still be near impossible for them to penetrate my egg.

It was so bad that we were told the only way we could get pregnant was through IVF.  Infertility is a physical and emotional bitch, and not a lot of people understand it.  Not to mention very expensive as most (including our) insurance doesn’t cover it.

I won’t go into our journey too much, but if your interested you can read through this blog and catch up with us.  We performed our first IVF the beginning of November, and although things didn’t go ideally we were thrilled when we found out that we were pregnant with one baby!

So now that we are hopefully past the threat of miscarriage we’re excited to share the news with the world (Facebook).  I’ll update the developments about once a week on this blog, and you can look at the latest baby pictures up at the top of the page.

Thanks for sharing in our joy.

If you would like to learn more about infertility and how you can make the world a better place for people like me (because you love me, right?), check out Resolve.

If you really love us you would take just a couple of minutes to write to your Congressperson in support of The Family Act of 2011.  It gives a tax credit to those who had to pay out of pocket for infertility treatments.  We had to pay $15,000 for one round of treatment.  We’re lucky that we made it work, but there are so many families out there that would never be able to afford it without this bill.  If you can spend hours watching Teen Moms getting knocked up or Casey Anthony trials, you can take a few minutes to fill out a pre written letter that would lead to allowing people who actually want children to have their dreams come true.

Thanks again!

12 Weeks

 

  Wow, I can’t believe that we’ve made it this far.  I can’t believe that we’re ending our first trimester and heading into the second.  I really want to embrace this pregnancy now.

I know some bloggers create a whole new blog once they move from being infertiles to being pregnant, but I’m not moving anywhere.  Instead I’m going to switch the focus of this blog to being an expectant mother.

I’m not really worried about losing readers.  I’ve already noticed that my readership has dropped significantly, and I figured that if you’re still with me you don’t mind where we’re going.  Mind you I don’t blame those who have dropped off.  I know it’s hard to read about all this when you doubt you’ll ever be able to experience the same thing.  I wish all those families out there the best of luck no matter where there journey takes them.  I hope they find happiness.

Anyway, in the spirit of the focus shift I really had a problem with our upcoming Facebook announcement.  As much as I want to be sensitive to possible other infertiles out there, I want to have a happy cute “we’re pregnant” announcement damnit!  Other normal fertiles out there get to have it and do it all the time, so why can’t we?  I didn’t want to do a normal happy cute announcement though because we’re not normal.  I definitely wanted the announcement to mention that we had IVF.

I didn’t want to gloss over the fact that we had a difficult time.  I’m not ashamed of it, and I really think people need to talk more about it.  If we inform more people about it, maybe we’ll have an easier time with it.  Hopefully more open discussions about it will lead to things like the passing of the Family Act of 2011.  Have you written to your Senator and Representative yet?

So I think I came up with a cute idea.  We’re going to unveil it tonight, so I’ll post it then.  I hope my IFers out there will like it.  I’m also going to be linking to this blog, so I’m going to be writing another post to just introduce what I’ve been going though and where this blog is going to be going.  So please forgive the boring “we’ve already been through this” post.

On the pregnancy front, not a whole lot has changed.  I have more nauseous/fatigued days than not, but I’m hoping this will pass soon.  The hubby is getting tired of my crankiness  (poor thing, he’s being a trooper.  He knows just to walk away and ignore me), and I’m tired of feeling like crap all the time.

My hunger though is out of control.  I’m hungry all the time, and when I do eat it’s ravenous.  I can’t get the food in me fast enough.  I’ve never been a skinny girl, but I’ve never been like this.  I feel like a honey badger.  I just don’t give a s#*t.  I’m just, I”m hungry.  I’d eat a snake, pass out, then wake up eating it again.

I think I’m starting to show a bit.  I mean, it’s not easy to tell where my fat stops and the baby bump begins, but I notice a difference.  I’ve bought a couple of maternity tops, but I know that I’ll have to start buying some new pants soon.

I did make my official pregnancy purchase the other day.  I’m expecting my Snoogle tomorrow, and I’m super excited about it.  I just toss and turn at night before eventually passing out and I hope this will help.

I guess that’s really it for now.  More later.

Let’s Get Physical

 

  I had my appointment with the midwife this morning.  She performed a basic physical, and we also went ahead and did a pap smear.  I’m due for my yearly in March and I have a history of abnormal paps, so I just figured we better be safe than sorry.

We also tried to get the heartbeat on the doppler.  After she couldn’t get it after a while, she tried to push my uterus up closer to abdomen.  While she was “in” there she noticed that my uterus was a bit retroverted, meaning that it’s tipped backwards instead of forwards.  It was likely like this since I started menstruation, and could be why I had such bad dysmenorrhea.  It also explains why I haven’t really had any urges to pee all the time, it’s pushing against my spine not my bladder.  Other than that, it’s not really a problem.  It doesn’t cause infertility, and only very rarely does it cause miscarriage.  As the baby grows it will fix itself, and there are even some exercises I can do to help it.

The midwife doesn’t seemed worried, so I’m not going to be either.  After she pushed my uterus up we heard the heartbeat.  Nice and strong, and everything looks great.

I’m ready to start enjoying this pregnancy.  I’m almost done with the first trimester, and it’s been almost nothing but worry or trying not to think about it.  I’m a week away from 12 weeks when we can make an official announcement.  I can enjoy it now, right?

BTW is it sad that I’m somewhat excited about an official Facebook announcement?  Like if it’s on Facebook, then it’s real.  I know that my close friends and all my family know already, but I doubt that most of my Facebook friends follow my blog (although they have access to it if they would look).  So they have no idea.

Which is ok.  I know that when I wasn’t trying to have babies I didn’t care all that much about the offspring of the maybe 15-20% of my Facebook friends that had kids.  Like I was, I know people will be happy that I’m happy, but I don’t expect them to lose their minds because I reproduced.

So I plan on doing the “yeah, we kicked infertility’s ass, and are expecting our first kid”, but I don’t want to barrage them with daily symptoms or weekly updates on what sized fruit my kid is (which btw, is that weird to anyone else?  Like you can’t figure out how big 2 inches is so you have to compare it to food?  You don’t eat your kid.  Idk, it may just be me).  If that’s something you want to do, then awesome. It’s just not me.  Maybe because statistically I have to have other infertile friends, and I know how much it sucks to see that stuff in your news feed.  I don’t want to remind them time after time what they don’t have.  So I’ll tell people that they can come to this blog for updates and leave it at that.

I guess I’m just particularly mindful of other infertiles because there’s been so much loss and worry in my reader lately.  There were so many bloggers that were getting IVF, FET, or IUIs around the same time I did, and I was happy to see how many of us were getting positive results.  As the last of us were reaching the 8 week mark, we started losing.  If you have a little time you might want to give some love and thoughts (or prayers if that’s your thing) to Unaffected at her blog, mothernatureshmature at her blog, and lots of positive vibes to Mo at her blog who has to have surgery to keep her cervix closed so that she can keep her baby boy.  I can’t begin to understand what these women are going through.  My heart breaks for them.

I feel so blessed that I have a strong baby in me.  When I actually take the time to think about it and accept that we are indeed having this baby, I just sob.  I tried for so long not to get attached because I knew I could be weeks or days from losing it.  Now when I let myself, that emotion is so overwhelming.

To think about my life now.  Where my life is going.  What this baby means to DH and me.  I just can’t explain.  I never thought I could have this life filled with so much love and happiness.  It’s just amazing.

Ok, I guess I’ve rambled on enough.  To wrap up, my nausea is starting to go away (yeah!), I need to get back on a diet (ugh), I’ll see the midwife again in four weeks, and hopefully a week after that we’ll learn the sex (ah!).  Lots of good things coming, and I’m going to just try to enjoy it.

Goodbye 2011

I think that it’s exciting that 2011 is over.  Not because it was terrible.  It wasn’t great either, but I know I’m blessed to say that for every con there was pro.  It’s always there if you look for it.

In February I started to try to quit smoking.  It didn’t last, but I’m happy to say that since October I’ve been cigarette free.  In April I was being terrorized by killer spiders, but in May we celebrated our 1 year anniversary by going to my friend’s wedding in Coacoa Beach, Florida.  Two days after we got back, DH accepted a job in Austin, TX.  It was a crazy two weeks and DH’s car almost didn’t survive the trip, but we love our new city.  By August we had barely survived the 70 some days above 100 degrees, and I got a part time job.  After months of infertile heartbreak we took the steps to begin IVF.  September was a sad time of family fights, and October was an uncertain time with car wrecks and fertility treatment.  We had the IVF procedure done in the beginning of November, and we were blessed to have it work in our first attempt.  We stopped back in Ohio before the end of the year to celebrate the news with family.

There are a lot of people who love to be negative and think that 2012 will be the end.  If they cared to actually find out what the Mayan’s predicted, they would know that it’s not the end.  Just a change, and new beginnings.  I think that’s terribly exciting.

We’re all guilty of being negative at times, but it doesn’t do us any good.  My resolution is to try to be more positive, and enjoy all the possibilities that are ahead of us.  2012 is going to be a fantastic year.  I hope you can enjoy it.

10 Week Ultrasound

Christmas came and went in a whirlwind.  It was nice to see friends and family that I haven’t seen in so long, but being in Cincy was very weird.  Like running into an ex who you’re still friends with.  You catch up and realize that both of you have moved on in your life without the other, for the better.  We did enjoy our 4 way together though!

I had to give myself the second to last Progesterone shot to myself on Thursday, but I wasn’t comfortable getting the angle right with the long needle. So before I could think about it, I asked my shaky mother to do it.  I’m happy to report that she did a great job, and actually did a better than DH had been doing lately.  Then DH gave me my last one on Christmas Eve.  Sooooo glad I don’t have to have any more shots!

The running around really knocked it out of DH and I though.  When we finally got home around 11 am on Monday, we basically slept until noon on Tuesday.  Then DH caught a nasty cold, and has been in quarantine in the extra bedroom since.

The nice thing was how quickly the two weeks went.  I didn’t really have time to think about being afraid of miscarriage.  As long as I kept having symptoms (aka feeling nauseated all the time), I knew it was ok.

DH always thinks I’m crazy to set my ultrasound appointments so early, but I couldn’t wait to see how baby was doing.  The ultrasound tech told me last time that I needed to drink something sugary before I came in so that we may get to see the baby moving around.  So I grabbed a Hawaiian Punch at the gas station down the street and was on my way.

First let’s look at the last heart rate we’ll be getting.  The tech said that she doesn’t want to subject the baby to the sound waves anymore, and we’re so far along now that it’s not necessary.  Everything looks good with a heart rate at 174:

When I got to actually see the baby I was so amazed.  It’s gotten so big!  It used to be this tiny little white squiggle in a big black blob, but now you can see this little person squeezed in this black bubble:

The tech showed me the different parts of the brain forming and the four chambered heart.  I myself was so jacked up on sugar, and so was the baby!  It was the most amazing thing seeing it move around so much!  The arms and hands looked like they kept moving up to rub it’s would-be eyes, and the legs and feet kept kicking out.  I still cry thinking about it.

Oh, and I know that the crown to rump measurements only say 9 weeks 4 days, but when you get this far it’s hard to measure that way because the baby is not only moving so much but the legs are scrunched up. The tech said not to worry since it’s been so on the ball this entire time. She told me that from now on they’ll be measuring things like head ratio.

That’s also it for the trans-vaginal ultrasounds.  I’ll be getting the tummy ones from now on.  When we finished up the next patient came in and she couldn’t speak a lick of English.  I just left to get out of their way.  So I’m not exactly sure when I’ll be getting my next ultrasound, but I’ll be able to talk to them about it more when I go to work on Monday.  I’m pretty sure this is it with the fertility clinic though.  We graduated!  Until next baby I guess though :p

My Midwife did call to ask that we reschedule our next appointment.  I was suppose to go Monday, but we pushed it to Thursday.  I’m actually glad they did.  The time is better, I won’t get stuck in after work traffic, and it just gives me time to adjust and get back into the swing of things.

So I guess until then, have a happy new year!