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Who’s Fault is It?

This isn’t the greatest quality video, but it’s probably my favorite Jim and Pam moment.  I still choke up every time I see it.

My husband and I are both children of divorce, and we both took marriage really seriously.  I was even previously engaged, and the best thing I ever did for myself and my ex fiance was to call it off.  I did and will always care for him, but what I have with my husband is on a whole other level.

It’s a hard thing to explain, true love, and when you never saw it with your own parents it’s almost impossible to comprehend.  No wonder so many people divorce.  There’s a lot of people I love in this world, but I couldn’t have imagined what love with your soulmate meant.

With all that said, it’s not always easy, and dealing with infertility makes it that much harder.  I’ve really had some animosity built up towards my husband, and it was going to burst.  That Scottish temper in me was getting ready to let lose.

When we were first diagnosed with Male Factor Infertility, my husband was told to stop smoking and lose weight.  So he gave it a go….for about a week.

Now this puts me in a crappy situation.  On the one hand, I also need to stop smoking and lose weight, a move is stressful, and so is his new job that puts a roof over my head.  So is it fair of me to nag at him?

On the other hand, knowing that we were probably going to have to do IVF, I knew that now all the pressure was to be dumped on me.  I have to stop smoking, lose weight, take hormone shots, have all sorts of painful tests done, have my who-ha poked and prodded, and I DON’T HAVE THE OPTION OF ‘NO’.  I have to do all of this or we don’t have a baby.

So I was mad.  He got to ignore all responsibility, give me all kinds of excuses, and then when my IVF suspicions were confirmed he barely blinked an eye.  No, “I’m so sorry I really f#*ked off,”  or, “I am so grateful for everything you’re doing.”  What I got was, “Well how do you know it’s all my fault?”

Men are stupid.  Not so stupid as to not retract this comment later, but good lord, they are stupid.

Now, where this point would have destroyed many relationships I’ve been in, I was determined that it wasn’t going to get us.  I really think the key to making any marriage work is to just talk and be honest with each other.  Try to stay calm, and don’t assume ANYTHING.  As close as we are, we can’t read each other’s mind.

So last night I just said to him, “You know I’m still really bitter at you, and you’re not acknowledging it and it’s making me more angry.”  I explained to him again why I was upset, how things he did made me feel, and what I would like to see from him.  I also explained that I could get pregnant by any other man, but that what I wanted was his.  If I didn’t, I wouldn’t even consider doing all this.

While he still tried a lot of excuses, he admitted that he quit trying because he really just didn’t think it would work.  That no amount of working out or quitting smoking was suddenly going to make his sperm better.  At this point, we’ll never really know.  I admit though, his numbers were bad and it might not have.  It’s going to be a rude awakening though if we do have a little one running around here, and he’s not in good shape.

While many people suffer from infertility, it can still be a really lonely thing, and it’s a challenge in and of itself to be positive.  My husband’s negativity got the better of him, and I don’t know if he really understood the effect that would have on us and our journey.  As his wife though I had to try to stay positive, and admit that neither of us are perfect.

The bottom line is that this is just the calm before the storm, and we really have to be prepared to rely on each other and be there for each other through all this.  But there is no one who knows me better, or who I trust more.  Even if I do have to drill him sometimes.

There are a lot of things that can destroy a marriage, and I have no idea where this journey is going to take us.  I know for a fact though that it’s not anywhere that my husband is not.

I don’t know if I ever felt that my parents were soulmates.  I think rather, I always hoped my kids will think their parents are, and I’m proud to say they’ll be right.


About babyandthegeeks

I'm just a 28 year old neurotic hippie/geek, and I'm just doing my thing.

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