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Blurg

  I’ve always thought that I was the fat Liz Lemon.  I just managed to trade in her apparent awesome metabolism for a kick ass husband.  I think I got the better deal.  But anyway….

For the first month, this diet and exercise were coexisting rather happily with me.  The first 5 pounds dropped pretty fast, but these last 5 have been work.  Not that I didn’t expect it to be work, but how do you go from not working out and not dieting to working out an hour a day/at least 6 days a week and eating nothing but brown rice and veggies and hardly lose anything?  I’m like a freakin’ diet Nazi on myself!  I completely stopped the alcohol, sugar, and coffee.  I only give myself one cheat meal a week (not a cheat day, just one meal), and I still try to not cheat too much!  Still no white carbs or red meat.

Maybe I’m just being really hard on myself.  To lose 10 pounds in a month and a week is nothing to scoff at, right?  I’m only a pound away from what I have to be in order to have the IVF, and that is a little less than a month away.  I just want to be there already.  I want to be far away from it.  I have no idea if these hormone meds are going to make me gain weight.  I don’t want to go through all this to only be told I can’t because I weigh too much.  I’m working too hard for that to happen.  It would crush me.

The past week though has been really rough.  I’m completely burned out on this diet.  I’m craving sugar, fat, and carbs.  I don’t want to spend hours cooking anymore.  I want throw some freaking chicken nuggets and french fries in the oven and be done with it.

The Doxy I was taking for the HSG wasn’t helping either I think.  My energy and motivation to keep up all this working out has just been….blurg.

So needless to say I was glad to be getting in some acupuncture today.  My acupuncturist started the usual IVF treatments when she started poking down my spine to my lower back.

I’ve always had back problems since I was a teenager, and there is this specific spot on my spine on my lower back that if you press it, will bring me to my knees.  She gets to the spot, and I tell her about it.

She then says, “This is weird.”  I ask, “What?” “There’s something on your spine.  It’s like a lump of tissue or something.  It’s soft,” she says.

I’ve always suspected I’ve had a slipped disc or something.  I’ve noticed that the spot bulged a bit, but what do I have to compare it to?  I thought it was normal.  I mean, I’ve been to the doctor enough about it you would think someone would have noticed that.

Not that I’ve had a great history with this problem and doctors.  In college, they always thought I was making my pain up to get pain killers.  Then I had no insurance, so I’ve just lived with the pain for years.

So back to the acupuncture.  She suggests I see a doctor and get an MRI, and proceeds with my normal treatment.  I tried my best to relax and not think about it, but it wan’t easy.

Of course the first thing I think is, “I have spinal cancer!”  I know it’s probably not, but the idea of more doctors and tests right before IVF is not what I need right now.  Not to mention that we just moved across the country, so I have to find a new doctor in the first place.  That’s stressful enough!

I do manage to have a good session, and waited to get home before worrying about it.  Of course now I’ve poked the thing so damn much that my back hurts worse than before, so whatever!

I started looking for a doctor in our insurance network, and comparing said doctors to Yelp reviews.  Most are in big practices of course, and most Yelp reviews complain about poor service and wait time.

I did manage to find a smaller practice that got good reviews who could get me in Monday afternoon.  So we’ll see what happens.

At first I was really freaked out about the whole thing.  The idea of more medical bills and surgery were just too much.  Now that I’ve thought about it though, maybe it was meant to happen this way.  What if it’s not a big deal?  What if it’s an easy fix and can help finally get rid of this pain?  Wouldn’t that help me with taking care of a baby?

We have insurance that will cover this so I can actually go through with it.  I’m a housewife, so it’s not like I have to take time off at work.  My only worry is that the surgery would have to wait until after I have a baby, but who’s going to help us then?  That’s too much on DH to work full time, then take care of me and a new baby.

Ok, getting way to ahead of myself.  I really even hate to think of me “having a baby”.  Like I’ll jinx myself if I dare to think about it.  If I dare to think of myself as “worthy”, the universe is going to come around and bitch-slap me back into the reality that nothing ever works out for me and I’m not worthy of anything a normal person is supposed to have.  I feel like it’s always telling me, “know your place, bitch.”  I’m aware our odds are really good, but I just can’t get my hopes up.

Anyways, if I’ve learned anything from infertility, it’s that you just have to take things one step at a time.  So I’ll just wait to worry about it until I hear what the doctor thinks of it.

Until then, I’m going to talk to some food about this.  I just wish congee was as good of a listener as a hunk of cheese….

 

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About babyandthegeeks

I'm just a 28 year old neurotic hippie/geek, and I'm just doing my thing.

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