It’s been a rough couple of days. I went to the doctor yesterday about the lump my acupuncturist found on my spine. They agreed there was a dime sized “mass” there. BTW, how horrid of a word is “mass”? It’s not a good word to hear, but they really don’t know what it is yet. They ordered some x rays to be taken although we both know they’re not going to show anything. The next step after that will be an MRI. My guess is that it’s some scar tissue, but I guess we’ll see.
I don’t know if I really want to go through and mess with it though. An MRI is expensive, and we just got the bill for the fertility medication. $2,113.75. Honestly not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I don’t know how much more I can be ok with all this spending. Not to mention that I’m just tired of going to doctors and labs, filling out paperwork, and sitting around in offices for hours. The nurse at the doctors actually said, “My, that was fast,” when I handed my paperwork back to her. I just smiled, but thought, “Lady, you have no idea how much of this I’ve been doing lately.”
I did go to get the x rays done today though. I did fill out all the paperwork. I did sit in a room for another hour and a half. I did put on a stupid gown with no back. The doctor should get them back in 24 hours, so we’ll see I guess.
Ugghh, then on top of all this there’s a lot of family drama. About a month ago I wrote this post. I guess I can finally freely say that it was the result of DH’s younger sister calling us out of the blue to tell us that she was pregnant less than a year into her marriage.
There are actually a lot of people in my life who are having children. All of these people talked to me directly before-hand about their intentions. Their acknowledgement of my painful journey and understanding that I need that time to go through an array of emotions is not only respectful and kind, but it really allows our relationship to be better.
My SIL (sister in law) is a completely different story. My DH and I had no idea that she was even trying to conceive. So when she called after months of not hearing from her at all, we were completely blindsided by the news. It was the first time I saw DH cry about our situation.
I was hurt and angry. I really couldn’t believe that they had done it without saying anything to us. They knew that we were having problems, but they never once called, wrote or texted to see how we were doing, what we were feeling, or what we were going through with infertility. Then just when we are about to go through IVF, they want to tell us that not only do they want to have a baby, but they are already pregnant.
I couldn’t think of any reason that they would be that hurtful unless they really just wanted to have the first grandbaby. Why else would you ignore what your older brother is going through? He’s trying to deal with the fact that his sperm sucks, and he can’t provide the family that his wife and he want so desperately. You’re not even going to have the decency to call him to say, “Hey, I just want you to be aware that we would like to try to have a baby.” You can’t ask him how this makes him feel and acknowledge what he’s going through? You want to try to do it after the fact? After you crushed him with complete disregard?
Mind you too, that no one ever said anything to me, they only talked to my DH. So I waited…..and waited….but I never heard anything. Not that I should have expected them to suddenly think about someone else for a change, but surely at some point they have to acknowledge me, right?
I finally wrote SIL a letter. I was livid at this point. They hurt my DH, they hurt me, and then went on with their lives. Leaving us to deal with the damage they left. I had to get it out. I had to be honest with her and tell her how I felt. If this didn’t get resolved before I saw her again, I may have put my fist through her face. Ok not really, while she was pregnant anyway. It wouldn’t have made for a nice Christmas anyway. We already canceled Thanksgiving with them. We can’t do it yet.
I told her I thought she was self absorbed and selfish. I told her that her actions and saying to my DH, “I would give up this baby if I knew it meant you guys could have one,” were disgusting and awful things to say and do to an infertile. Not to mention an obvious lie.
I then told her that she had every right to want to have a baby, but I had every right to be upset at the way she handled it all. That I needed time to heal through all this, but that I really would work at building back our relationship. I love my in-laws. I don’t want to cause the family to splinter. I don’t want to direct my anger for her to her innocent child. I want us to be better, but I’m not going to fake it. I have to go through my pain and heal. I was betrayed by a close person whom I loved, and now I can’t trust her to care for anyone but herself. I need time. So I’m not going to be able to rejoice for her. I’m not at a place that I can look at baby registries and go to showers. I told her that I know her response may not be a great one. She has that right too.
I could have guess what I would get back. They were completely shocked by all this (really?). I was apparently “out of line”. I should have come to them if we had a problem with them getting pregnant (again, we had no idea). This was her dream ever since high school (her dreams are more worthy than ours I guess). She doesn’t want me to make her brother hate her (could not and would not make DH do anything), and finally she told me the baby name choices so I wouldn’t hate her for that too…..Wow, could someone not get it less? We are infertile. We may never have our own children. So picking out names is a luxury we can’t even begin to think about.
Did she say some things she shouldn’t have? Sure. Did I? Oh you bet. The point seemed to be lost on her though, so let me tell all you fertiles and future fertiles out there so maybe you can avoid all this with any infertiles in your life.
If you know someone you love is infertile and you are planning on starting a family, acknowledge them. Acknowledge their pain. You don’t know what they are going through. How could you? By asking them. Talk to them. And for the love of all things tell them before you get yourselves knocked up (if you can anyway. I know accidents happen)!
Don’t expect them to be happy right away. They’re dealing with a lot, and you’re unintentionally reminding them that something is wrong with them and they can’t have what they want with all their being. Don’t expect them to suck it up, or get over it. That’s not fair to them, and they have every right to feel the way they do. Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t make it wrong. Don’t expect them to be able to go to go baby shopping or to a baby shower. You are going to have plenty of people who are going to want to do this stuff with you, so why force emotional pain on someone who can’t?
Your acknowledgement of them though shows that you do care about them and what they are going through, and it will help. Oh and to the infertiles, sometimes you also have to accept that they are not going to get it.
So what do you do if this wasn’t done? I have no idea. I’m working on it. It’s not going great, but I hope it gets better. I say be honest though. Too many people have hurt me in my life, and I wasn’t honest about how it made me feel. I tried to spare their feelings, but all that does is deny your own. It never helps. So it’s out there and it’s messy, but if love is there you’ll find a way to clean it up.
I do love them, and I do want to work it out. Infertility is a bitch.