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Band of Infertile Sisters

As the “shrewd and knavish sprite” Robin Goodfellow (or Puck) said in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream, “If we shadows have offended, think but this; and all is mended that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear and this weak and idle theme no more yielding but a dream. Gentles–do not reprehend if you pardon, we will mend. And, as I am an honest Puck if we have unearned luck. Now to scape the serpents tongue. We will make amends ere long else the Puck a liar call. So–goodnight unto you all. Give me your hands if we be friends. And Robin shall restore amends.”

I have understandably offended some people recently.  I am truly sorry that my actions have not always been right ones, and I don’t intend to hurt people.   I, however, won’t apologize for feeling the way I do.  One of the problems with infertility and dealing with the outside world is that if communication, openess, and acceptance aren’t there then there is a complete breakdown of the relationship.

After reflecting on this a lot last night, I came to the best analogy I could give.  Being an infertile feels like a soldier coming back to civilian life.  Not that I could ever compare myself to what a soldier does, but I feel after thinking about it I can start to understand where they are coming from.  War and infertility are two different hells, but hells none the less.  It forever changes how we see the world, how we interact with people, and it is something that we live with every second of the day.  I’m not an infertile only when I go to a doctor’s office, I live with this pain always.

Some soldiers have a real hard time integrating back into normal life, and unfortunately people who have not gone through that can’t understand.  All the civilians have their own perspective, but you can’t begin to imagine what that soldier has gone through and what they’re life is now.  I’ve heard so much lately, “I just don’t understand where you’re coming from.”  The hard thing for me to accept is that in this very blog all I have done is try to explain where I’m coming from and how this whole process feels.  I have linked to other infertility blogs, and articles that talk about dealing with how infertility effects people.   So why is it so hard to understand and gain perspective?

I’m sure that’s how soldier’s feel too.  We could all take the time to talk to them, to read, to try to understand.  I guess that’s just harder for some people.  Ignorance is bliss, right?  Just because I’m going through this, doesn’t mean everyone is going to want to feel that hurt and depression.  I can’t blame them if they’re not able to handle that.  Some days, I don’t know how I am.  Veterans have such a high suicide rate.  I can see why, and it breaks my heart.

One of the things that keeps us all going though is a fantastic community of blogs.  I read a lot of infertility blogs, and there is not one of them that haven’t gone through or felt any differently than what I have.  When so many people in our immediate lives can’t understand us, our fellow inferts always can.  They know what to say to lift us up, make us laugh, make us feel like we’re not a freak, and help us to keep going on.  I am forever grateful to my band of infertile sisters, and I can only hope that my blog could help someone like theirs have helped me.

It’s just too sad that so many people have to be anonymous.  That they have to hide how they truly feel from their loved ones who should be supporting them.  Although I don’t use real names on here, my family and friends have access to it.  It might have been easier on relationships if they didn’t know how I truly felt, but I’m just a person that feels that if you are not honest in a relationship you demean that relationship.  There’s nothing on here that I wouldn’t have said to them otherwise.  I just can’t live with built up aggression.  That’s toxic to me.  I have to get it out so we can fix it.   I know that not everyone is like that, and I’m sorry if it offends you.

I’ve never claimed that everything I’ve done was right, or not taken responsibility for it, or denied the validity of other people’s feelings.  That’s part of the journey though.  We get hurt, and we react.  Right or wrong we learn, and we work at building relationships back up.

There is no definite right or wrong here.  Things in life aren’t so cut and dry as that.  Our failure to understand each other results in pain.  We are all valid in how we feel, and we have to give each other that respect.  Hopefully with time and work we can take each other’s hand, forgive offences, and amend.

If you can’t get past offence, then stop reading and imagine you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear and this weak and idle theme no more yielding but a dream.

But I know my band of infertile sisters feel me 😉


About babyandthegeeks

I'm just a 28 year old neurotic hippie/geek, and I'm just doing my thing.

4 responses »

  1. I think this is so true. As for comparing war and infertility it’s a toss up for my husband if he had to pick between the two. In many ways (for me at least) going through the deployment was easier. People cut me way more slack because my husband was deployed. I played the D-card a few times just for that reason. But infertility, it’s a whole other beast. When my husband came home he didn’t have attention showered on him, but he got checked out. People knew they shouldn’t ask stupid questions like ‘Did you kill anyone?’ Infertility is such a private battle, at least people know when a soldier comes home from war. I’ve told very few people about our struggles (mainly because I thought they’d be over by now). Even some people who about our struggle still ask stupid questions, ‘So, any BIG news yet?’ I’m not really sure what this comment is about, but in short, some people suck and infertility sucks.

    • This is great perspective, and I can’t imagine dealing with army life and infertility. Infertility can make you feel disconnected from people enough without also having to be an army wife. You both have sacrificed a lot (thank you!), and if you can get some slack I say take it, lol! I’m sending my best hopes and wishes for you guys.

  2. We do you get you. 🙂 I’ve been trying to figure out why it’s so hard to talk about and figure out myself. I think some of it is that a lot of what we feel comes from a place of jealousy over what we don’t have that others seem to get so easily and take for granted. For me, there’s a lot of anger as well, and sometimes I do feel selfish for wanting a biological child so badly. These are all nasty emotions and it’s hard to talk about them.

    Any other disease, people will attempt empathy because they recognize it as a health issue. With IF, they just think “It’s not like you can’t be a parent – just go on over to China and pick one up.” Because of their ignorance, we’re percieved as selfish. That’s my take. And what her said – people suck.

    • I completely agree with you, Lisa. We shouldn’t have to feel like were bad or selfish for wanting a biological child. People should support that decision, and be empathetic when an infertility issue arises. Feelings of anger and jealousy are completely normal, and the answer isn’t always “just” adopt. Indeed, people suck.
      Thanks for reading, and good luck on your own journey! I’ll be there with you!


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