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I'm down, don't judge me.

My apologies for not posting yesterday.  It’s dumb, really, but I just wasn’t in a great place.  I didn’t want to talk about it.

I went for an acupuncture session yesterday morning, and about half way through I got the call from RMA about our eggs.  Out of the 16 they collected, only 10 were mature, and out of those only five fertilized.

I should be happy with five.  Five is better than none, but I couldn’t help but tear up when my acupuncturist came back in.  I’m just so scared.  Just like that 11 eggs were gone.  How many are going to grow and survive to day 3?

Everything was just going so well that I guess I was dumb enough to let my guard down.  I never thought I would have to think about what if we don’t get any embryos to put in me, let alone freeze.  What if I have to do this all over again?  How soon are we willing to do it?  If we can even afford it.

I’m mad at myself.  Infertiles know better than to just assume the best is going to happen.  Even if we do have really good odds because I’m young and there’s nothing fertility-wise wrong with me.  Odds don’t guarantee me anything.

Now where I get my acupuncture (and work) is the same building that RMA is in (not the main building in San Antonio, but the smaller arm in Austin).  I’m very close with the nurses there now, so I popped in to tell them the news.

I’m glad I was there when I got the call and was surrounded by people that got it.  They comforted me and reminded me  that five was good.  They said that you lose the most the first day, and that most likely what we have on day 3 is what we’ll have to work with.  They said that they hope I get at least four so that we can put two in and freeze two (they won’t freeze just one).

I also told them that the lab assistant that called me needed a bit better bedside manner.  Not that she was really bad, but when she called me and told me I tried to stay positive.  She then said, “well it is a high number of immature eggs, but it just depends on how your body reacts to the hormones.”  Now I didn’t ask about the eggs, and I just really didn’t need to hear anything about things that I can’t help now.  I don’t need to focus on what happened, I need to hear confidence on what we do now.  Then she gave me the good ole “you only need one!”  To me this is just as bad as saying “just relax”.  I’ve only needed one for a year and a half now and where are we?  It also only takes one to fail.  It’s just not reassuring.

I thought the two week wait would be bad enough, but the two day wait until day 3 results is torture.  I really have no clue how this is going to turn out.  I made it a bit harder on myself because so many people know what we’re doing, and they ask me what’s going on all the time.

It’s not their fault that they don’t know how it works, but it’s not fun to keep telling people how it works and the million things that can go wrong.  I’ve heard so many times lately, “Wow, I just didn’t realize there was so much to all this.”  It’s sad that because it’s so easy for most people they don’t really realize how much of a miracle it is to create life.

Ugh, I really don’t know what else to say about it.  There’s nothing I can do.  Just have to wait and see what happens tomorrow.

At least we’ve got three day passes to Fun Fun Fun Fest this weekend.  So jamming to Passion Pit tonight will make me feel better.  Of course I have to take it easy, but it should be fun fun fun none the less.

Oh, and on the final note I want to say that I don’t know what the big deal with the Progesterone shot is.  Maybe DH is just great at giving it or I just have a lot of cushion, but I barely feel it.  It’s nothing to worry about.


About babyandthegeeks

I'm just a 28 year old neurotic hippie/geek, and I'm just doing my thing.

2 responses »

  1. Oh, I’m sorry! I’m sure you’re totally disappointed – I would be too. My fingers/toes and everything is crossed that you get those precious four – 2 to put back and 2 to freeze!

    Going to be thinking of you these next few days…

    Enjoy the Fun Fun Fun Fest and try not to worry too much!

  2. I so understand your disappointment and frustration. You are allowed to be a little sad, but don’t lose sight of hope (I know, I know, not easy to do). Also, I think anytime an infertile woman is told “it only takes one” or “just relax and it will happen” we should automatically be given one free pair of fabulous shoes, or some other indulgence to help subdue the burning need to punch someone in the face. 🙂


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