I hope that you’ve figured by now that if I don’t post on the day that I have big things going on, I don’t have great news. Not that it’s the worst-case scenario news. It’s just usually situations that I have to take the time to live and deal with before I try to put everything to words.
Yesterday was our transfer day. I got to the office in San Antonio almost an hour early because I was afraid I would run into traffic. I didn’t mind though because I knew I needed to get my bladder full (it pushes up your uterus so it’s easier for the transfer). So I just watched tv and sipped on a Strawberry Frappuccino.
They actually surprised me and took me back twenty minutes early. They had me in the same room and in the same bed. The nurse asked me if my bladder was full, and I told her that I was working on it. She gave me a bottle of water to sip on. I guzzled down the whole thing.
Then the embryologist came in. He showed me this picture:
It’s the two embryos they were going to put in me. He then went on to tell me that two of the embryos arrested (meaning they stopped growing), and that the last one wasn’t looking good. None of them had reached blastocyst, and the two they were putting in were only morulas.
I asked him for grades, but he said they didn’t grade things below blastocyst. I asked him what he thought of the last one, and he said it really only had a less than 50% chance of surviving. If something happened he would call me, but it doesn’t look like we’ll have any to freeze.
On top of all of this he says, “You just had a weird stimulation.” Everything looked great. My bloodwork was good. The follicles looked good. They got 16 in the retrieval, but only 10 were mature and out of that only 5 fertilized. Although all 5 looked good on day 3, they just started crapping out. The reason? We don’t know.
So I guess these two looked hopeful enough to go ahead and put in, but I was pretty devastated. After all of this. After all that I’ve been through with the fertility diet, the exercising, the acupuncture, the injections, the lab work, ultrasounds, and surgeries all we had to show for it were two not good enough to grade embryos. What hope do we really have?
They wheeled me into the operating room and by this time my bladder was about to burst. They helped my legs into the stirrups, and put the ultrasound thingy on my stomach (not helping the bladder).
The doctor then came in, he put the speculum in, cleaned out any cervical mucus, and then they put the catheter in and injected the embryos. It probably took about 15-20 minutes, but all I could think was, “don’t pee on the doctor! Don’t pee on the doctor!”
When they finished they put a catheter in to “relieve” me while I was still laying down. They must have been there 10 minutes. The nurse who gave me the water even said, “I didn’t think you’d drink the whole thing.” Just following orders.
They then wheeled me back to the first room, and tilted the bed so that my feet were a bit elevated. I stayed like that for about 30 minutes, and then my acupuncturist came in to give me my session there.
I felt calm and relaxed, but solemn. DH had to go to work and I knew that he was waiting for my call, but I didn’t know how I was going to call him and not get upset. I felt like we’ve already failed. How was I going to tell him that?
After the acupuncture I headed home. As I was leaving it seemed like the staff was giving me those eyes and smiles of “well it might work”. When I got on the main highway I gave DH a call.
He tried to stay positive, but it was hard for him to argue with me when he didn’t know what a morula was let alone a blastocyst. His lack of educating himself about anything we were going through was irritating enough, and I could only look forward to explaining our crappy situation to the rest of our friends and family. I just wanted to be in bed.
Which is pretty much where I was for the rest of the day. I tried to be positive. I talked to them. Promised them that if they grew big and strong and buried themselves in that I would give them toys, candy, puppies, ponies, and weekly trips to SeaWorld.
I don’t know what to think at this point. There have been pregnancies from morula transfers, but not as many as blastocyst. We didn’t get any to freeze, so if this doesn’t work I have to go through stimulation and retrieval all over again. That’s even if we want to go through with IVF again, or if we can even afford it.
Then this morning I’m watching The Today Show. They had the Duggars on, and sure enough they were there to announce that they are pregnant with their 20th child. And people wonder why we are Atheists.