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Levels

  I’ve felt really disconnected lately.  Sort of how you feel when your depressed, but not.  There’s no highs, no lows.  I’m just on a sort of pause.

Friends and family keep asking me how I am.  I think they’re thinking about things more than I am.  They’re so excited and hopeful for me.  I can’t feel anything.

I hate being a downer, but I just don’t feel it.  In my mind we failed.  It’s not waiting to see if we’re pregnant.  It’s waiting to confirm that we’re not.

Not that I’m just wandering around moping.  I’m just waiting until I can move on.  DH and I talked about what we wanted to do if it didn’t work.  He wants to try at least once more, but we can’t afford to even think about it for at least 6 more months.  I just don’t know if I can wait that long.

There have been women who have TTC for years.  We’re on 1 and a half, and I don’t know if I can do it anymore.  I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be in this constant state of pain and struggling.  I don’t know if I have enough strength to go through the adoption process.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of the heartbreak and the tears.

Part of me doesn’t want to give up on the dream of a family, but part of me just wants to free myself from it.  It’s so much harder with the holidays coming up.  Seeing images of parents and children celebrating together, and the pain of thinking that I may never have that.

They say when a child buries a parent it reminds them of their mortality, but when a parent buries a child, it’s their immortality that they lose.  That’s the hardest thing about infertility.  After DH is gone, I will have no one to take care of me.  Then when I die, there will be no one.

So what do we do?  Do we keep putting ourselves through this or do we let it go?  Do I allow myself to move on with my life, but it has to be child free?  What would I even do with myself?  I gave up everything to dedicate my life to a family.  Now that’s not an option.

It’s so painful to accept that.  Why can that be an option for billions of people, but not for us?  Why can’t we have a simple thing like a family?  Why do we have to be outcasts?

That’s what it feels like.  Like even if we do accept that we will never have children, and figure out our way through life, we will be outsiders.  The rest of the world lives in families with children.  It’s in everything.  It’s life.  People have children.  We can’t.

Infertility changed everything.  It changed me, and I don’t always like it.  I went through a lot in my life, and I felt I came out a pretty empathetic, kind, not very bitter person.  Infertility made me jealous, angry, and bitter.  I know it will take me a long time to work through that, and it makes me sad.

That’s the part that makes me want to move on.  I want to be happy again.  I want to free myself and have a purpose again.

*********************************************************************

Ugh ok, enough Negative Nancyness from me.  Let’s pretend we have a glimmer of hope.

I went in today for my progesterone level check.  While I was there I mentioned that I was having quick sharp pains in my ovaries/uterus the day before.  One was even so strong that I literally said, “Ow!”

The nurse said she wanted to take a quick look on the ultrasound to make sure I hadn’t hyper-stimulated.  The uterus looked good and thick.  The ovaries still had some follicles in them, but they were all way under 40 mm and were diminishing.  So I was fine.

What do they think it was then?  Round ligament pain….  Now don’t get your hopes all up!  I’ve had twinges in my ovaries a week before my period before.  Not as severe, but they hadn’t been as stimulated.  It doesn’t convince me.

I’ve taken a couple of HPTs and they were both negative.  Not that even if I was pregnant it would show up this early.  I was actually kind of bummed that there wasn’t any HCG left from the trigger shot.  If you don’t know, that should have given me an early false positive.  It just would have been fun to see those two lines.  Even if it wasn’t real.  I’ve just peed on probably 50 sticks and I’ve never seen two lines.

My BBT has also went up a bit this morning, but our bedroom is the coldest room in the house and it’s finally starting to feel like fall in Texas.  So last night I went under the flat sheet.  So I’m not convinced that says I’m pregnant either, it may just be from the added sheet.

So when will we finally know?  My beta test is scheduled a week from today.  I’ll get my blood drawn in the AM and they’ll call me with results later that afternoon (hopefully).

RMA called this afternoon to tell me my progesterone levels looked “beautiful”, and to keep taking the same injection amount.  Yeah…

I really do appreciate all the thoughts, prayers, and well wishes.  Don’t worry, I’m fine.  No anxious freaking out.  Sorry, I don’t mean harm by being so poo poo on everyone’s positiveness.

Either way, we’ll know in a week.

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About babyandthegeeks

I'm just a 28 year old neurotic hippie/geek, and I'm just doing my thing.

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