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The World Be Buggin’

Ok, so I’ve been a terrible blogger.  There were so many other bloggers who posted during Thanksgiving, and I don’t know how they did it.  I only had my mother for a week, I only cooked for 3 people, and I still never found the time.

My thoughts have been all over the place too.  A lot of emotional ups and downs.

Yes, we’re so happy to be pregnant.  Yes, we’ve enjoyed going to baby stores and are starting to pick out what we would like for the baby.

Then, last Tuesday happened.  I started spotting.  Brown spotting, only visible when I wiped.  Never anything in my underwear.  I wasn’t cramping was I?  No?  Yes?  I had to remind myself that I KNEW what cramping felt like.  This wasn’t it.

I called my RN to check in with her.  I know that small brown spotting isn’t a bad thing, but it worries you.  It sucks.  She re-assured me that it was fine.  That brown blood is old blood.  That my girly parts are letting out discharge and some old blood is going to come with that.  If it gets heavier or red, that’s when to worry.

It was still there on Wednesday, but went away after that.  I relaxed a bit, but the thought of miscarriage is always in the back of my mind.  Infertiles know that they’re never safe.

Which only means that we’re left to be utterly amazed by the pregnancy craziness going on around us.

I can’t believe the number of early pregnancy announcements I’ve been seeing on Facebook.  Just yesterday a friend of mine announced hers at 9-10 weeks!  One of those disgusting Kardashian chicks just did the same thing.  Are you kidding me?!?  You are all still at the risk of miscarriage!!!

I don’t wish it upon anyone, but miscarriage can happen to anyone at any time.  I unfortunately also had a friend that went to their 20 week ultrasound to see the sex of the baby, only to find out that there wasn’t a heartbeat anymore.  They had already announced the pregnancy on Facebook and therefore also had to announce the miscarriage.  It was a young, healthy couple.  I know that that’s only a 15% chance of it happening to us, but we had about the same chances of being infertile and we know where we ended up there.

I really feel like I don’t want to announce or buy the baby anything until it’s born.  Baby shower?  No thank you, that’s just asking for miscarriage.  I don’t know if I even feel safe talking about it.

I know so many women who go crazy over every part of becoming and then being pregnant.  I’m not worrying about things.  I’m not scouring the internet.  I’m not over analyzing anything.  No, I’m going into hermit status.  Don’t think about it.  Don’t talk about it.  Don’t do anything, and maybe we’ll fly under the radar and it will be ok.

I’m a different kind of crazy.

I just feel so isolated from all the other pregnant ladies.  I can barely go on message boards.  I get so annoyed.  It’s either, “Oh, this was a total surprise!”, “Oh, I thought I was X number of weeks along, but my doctor said I was less number of weeks along.  I guess I have no idea when my body ovulates!”, “I didn’t get pregnant this month, everyone on here be sorry for me!”, or any other number of just really ignorant posts.

It’s hard for me to accept how stupid the fertiles are about their bodies and pregnancy.  I have no patience for people who want attention because they didn’t get pregnant their third month of trying.  Then finally, I just can’t join the bandwagon of going crazy obsessing about miscarriage.

At least I don’t think I’m obsessing.  I like to think of it as a mindful awareness. I’m not at threat level red.  Just yellow.

Doesn’t help though that I started brown spotting again yesterday.  I had it again today.  I’m not super worried, but it just an annoying reminder that it could happen.  1 in 4 women spot in their early pregnancy, and half of those are miscarriages.

We go in tomorrow for our 6 week ultrasound.  I’ll let you know how it goes.


About babyandthegeeks

I'm just a 28 year old neurotic hippie/geek, and I'm just doing my thing.

One response »

  1. Argh. I’m sorry to hear about your spotting. I hope that your nurse is right and that it’s just old blood. I totally understand your fears! Hugs.

    Keep us posted!


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