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It Only Takes One

I know, it actually still makes my skin crawl to hear it.  “It only takes one!”  I guess it’s true for us though.  It also may be what scares me the most.

We got to see and hear the heartbeat this morning.  Just one.  One baby.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about it.  I’m happy to be able to have anything.

Multiples are more of a health risk, but IVF may be the only way we can conceive and I don’t know how many times I want to go through all of this.  My body and emotions have taken quite a beating.  Even as good as DH is at giving me Progesterone shots, both my hips are sore and bruised.

It also sucks because I should be so excited and happy.  That’s my baby there. That little white blob in the little black blob has a heartbeat and is there.  Normal couples would be elated.  All I can think is, “it could stop.”

The doctor took a look at everything and said it still looks good.  The gestational sack looks nice and round (if it was collapsing, that would mean miscarriage), the baby is chillin’ on the yolk sac, the baby is measuring at 6 weeks, and the heart rate is right on.

She said I could still spot for a few weeks, but as long as it’s still the old brown blood it’s ok.  She wants me to come back and check everything again in a week though.    So I set an appointment for next Friday morning.

I know everything is looking good now, but I can’t shake knowing that it could all change in an instant.  And we only have one.  There’s no frozen backup.  We had 16, then 10, then 5, then 2, and now only one.  I know it “only takes one”, but I’m so scared that because the rest arrested, so will this one.  I don’t know if there’s any scientific proof to this thought, but you can’t help but to think it.

I also can’t begin to think past the next appointment.  I just go day to day or at most to the next week.  So the fact that I know I’m almost done with my time at RMA scares me.

It’s a fertility clinic, not a birthing center.  So I knew that if I would make it to the 8th week, they would release me.  Now, I don’t know if the spotting is going to effect this in any way, but if it continues to look good I can’t imagine they’ll keep me much longer.

DH and I have a birth plan.  I actually have a lot to say about it, but I feel like that’s a whole other post.  So I’ll wait until tomorrow.

It’s hard for me to go ahead and start it though because I feel like it’s getting ahead of myself.  I don’t know if the baby is going to be around a week or two from now, so how am I supposed to make plans for beyond that?

Ugh, I’m so sorry I’ve been negative Nancy, but it’s hard.  We’ve gotten 18 months of bad news, so it’s not easy to not expect any more.  We finally got good news with a successful IVF, but I’m waiting for the other foot to drop.

We are really happy though.  We’re excited to finally have a baby and be parents.  I probably will just be paranoid about miscarriage until it’s 34….


About babyandthegeeks

I'm just a 28 year old neurotic hippie/geek, and I'm just doing my thing.

One response »

  1. That’s a beautiful picture! I hope that in spite of your anxiety about a miscarriage that you are also able to enjoy this time too. The mantra that I’m saying over and over is “I’m pregnant today and am going to enjoy it.” Take it one day at a time – that’s how I’m getting through these early days myself.

    Again, that’s a beautiful sight to see! Congratulations.


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