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Monthly Archives: April 2012

Week 26

I want to start by saying thank you to all the lovely comments I received on my last PAIL post.  It’s sad that so many of us have gone through histories of violence in our lives, but encouraging that many of us work to break the cycle.

Moving on though, my monthly Midwife appointment went well yesterday.  Heartbeat is in the 140s, and although my belly is still measuring a bit big (31 weeks) we now know that it’s nothing to worry about.  My glucose and protein were both negative (Yeah!).

I did however the night before notice that I have something that looks like a big birthmark on the back of my neck.  I’ve apparently had it for at least a week, but it never itched so I never noticed it.  I asked the midwife and she said that it was a fungus.  I just needed some topical cream, and it should go away.  They’re not worried about it.  Then she says that it’s from eating too much white flour and sugar.  Busted 😛  It was Easter!  Can’t I get a break?  I did gain about 3 pounds (the same 3 pounds from two posts ago.  Not 3 more pounds), but it’s normal.

So now she has me using a glucose monitor to track what I’m eating, and how it effects me.  I understand it’s a good idea, but I’m not too excited about it.  I’m about to go to Cincy for two weeks, and I don’t want to get bitched at for how bad I’m going to eat.  Plus those damn test strips are expensive!

I can’t believe I’m 3 days away from heading to Cincy.  I’m still excited to see everyone, but I’m getting more and more bummed to leave DH behind.  At first it seems nice, a little vacation away, but now that it’s a bit more real I realize how much I’ll miss him.  He’s my rock, and what am I going to do without him for two weeks with my family who can drive me crazy?

Plus he hasn’t had to really cook for himself, do laundry, or clean the house for almost two years.  What is he going to do with himself, and what the hell am I going to come home to?  I know he’ll be fine, but you want to feel like they need you as much as you’ll need them.

I am going to take my netbook, but I can’t promise how much I’ll post an update.  At least I’ll have lots to tell when I get back.  Then after that we’ll be moving into the house!  Lots of good things happening.  Our nephew is due any day now.  So send lots of positive vibes/prayers/whatever to my SIL that she has a safe and healthy labor.

Have a great rest of your April, and wish me luck 😉


PAIL: Parenting Styles

 “One of the biggest questions any parent or parent-to-be must ask is: what kind of parent do I want to be?”

When I first read the PAIL monthly theme question I just had one answer pop in my head:  “Not like mine.”

To fully think about and internalize this answer was really hard for me.  My emotions ran from resentment, anger, acceptance, and love.  To think about how to put everything into a post seemed daunting at best.

I guess the only way is to start at the beginning.  I had far from a happy healthy childhood.  You would never be able to see it from the outside.  In fact, when I tell most people who knew us that long (including family) what happened behind closed doors, they’re shocked.  We looked like such a great family.

That’s what we had to portray.  To have anyone know that a sick, manipulative, abusive man was ruling over an emotionally damaged woman and her children would have been an embarrassment to the family.

As a child I knew things weren’t right, but I had absolutely no where to go.  I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening.  So on top of all the abuse that was being inflicted on me, I was becoming confused and angry.  A child doesn’t understand how to handle that, so I acted out with terrible tantrums.  Instead of trying to understand where all this was coming from, I was just labeled as a “bad kid”.

I would like to say that when my parents finally divorced when I was 14 that it got better.  I got to stay with my mother, but everyone was trying (and still does) to force me to keep a relationship with my father.  I tried to finally come out with what had really been happening to me as a child, but no one wanted to believe me.  To this day I’m not sure why.  The signs and proof were all there, but I guess no one was emotionally ready to admit what they wouldn’t protect me from.  So I had to try to move on with my life.

It wasn’t always easy.  Slowly my mother and I began to strengthen our self worth now that we weren’t under my father’s thumb.  She worked really hard to give me a normal life with a single parent.  I financially had everything I could have wanted.  She’s done so much for me, and I know always will.  I’m so grateful for her.

It was just the emotional side that never quite got to where it needed to be.  We still can’t talk about what happened before.  There is still a part of her that refuses to believe me, and I think is emotionally easier for her to think of me as just the “bad kid”.  I feel there is so much of me that she refuses to try to understand.

There are parts of me, my foundation, that will always be damaged.  It will always effect my life.  I’m happy to say though, that also lead me to strive for a happier and healthier marriage and family.

Like my extended family’s.  One of the reason’s it may be hard for my family to accept what happened is because they didn’t experience that.  My mother’s family is very close and loving.  Childhood memories with them are happy ones.  That’s what I wanted.

Instead of marrying someone like my father, I married someone like my maternal grandfather.  They are both caring, kind, loving, strong men.  They have both been blessings in my life.

Already my child’s life will be so drastically different from mine.  This doesn’t though really help me to know what kind of parenting I want to practice.  Non-abusive is sort of obvious, but I do like the structured yet hands off approach of my mother.  I really wasn’t a bad kid.  I got into some shenanigans, but nothing that ever harmed me or others.  I didn’t have a lot of parental supervision, but I did understand personal responsibility and consequences.

I guess I like the idea of showing them that I love them and will always support them, but I am a person and not a slave to their every whim.  In the same way that they are my dependent, but they are also independent individuals who need to make their own mistakes and live their own lives.  Yeah, I know that sounds good now, but future me may find that harder to accept when my baby tries to leave me 😉

This all may sound like things for a little more down the road.  For now I know that I want to experience a natural at home childbirth with my baby, I want to try to breastfeed for at least six months, and then after that feeding him baby food that I make at home.  As “granola” as I sound, I’m still not convinced about cloth diapering (haven’t had great experiences with them), and I do not believe in co-sleeping.

I guess I really haven’t thought of anything past this.  I just look at it as something that you can’t really prepare for.  Situations are going to come at you, and you have to figure out how you will deal with it that best fits your family.  No one is perfect and we’ll have our bumps, but we’ll make it through as a family.

I think we’ve got a great start, and that we’re very blessed to even begin thinking about all this.  It’s amazing that we get to be a family.  Now I’ll just have to strive to make my 14 year old self proud.  Is that a parenting style?

Week 25

Not much is going on here.  Easter was quiet, but nice.  We cooked out, and probably ate too much candy.  Ok, I put on almost 3 pounds in one week, I ate too much candy.

I’m trying to not beat myself up about it.  I hadn’t gained anything in a month, and now that we’re at 25 weeks the baby is going to start packing on the pounds.  I have to accept that I’m going to gain some more weight, but not go crazy with it.

I’ve gained 19 pounds since pre-baby, which is still within the range of weight gain I need to be.  I just don’t want to go over or too far over the 25 pound suggested limit.

I’m happy and excited about how far along we are, but the fear never completely goes away.  You can’t completely shut yourself away from stories of stillbirths and SIDs deaths.  I just have to keep staying positive and taking it one day at a time.

Good things are happening.  We got the appraisal on the house, and we actually paid $5,000 less than what the house is worth.  I can’t believe how awesome this first house buying experience has been.  Everything has gone so smoothly and positively.  We’ve been so lucky.

Now we have the roofer coming on the 28th to do repairs, the closing will be on the 30th, my Mom and I will be back in town on the 4th, and then we’ll move in on the 12th.  Less than a month now!

Monday is my DH’s birthday!  He says he doesn’t want anything, but I know he would get his butt all hurt if I didn’t.  I think this is a hard one for him though because with a child coming and now a house bought, he’s finally feeling “old”.  He  thought that he was going to be a year older than what he’s actually turning.  After I give him his gift, take him out for some Mexican food, and give him his cake he’ll be fine.

Then a week after that I’ll be heading back to Cincy.  I’m excited, but they need to warm up.  They’ve been 20 to 30 degrees colder than here, and I only have two pairs of maternity pants and a sweater.  I’ve got three months left (crazy!), and I am not buying any more winter maternity wear.

That’s about it for now.  I have my next Midwife appointment next Thursday before I leave.  I’m also working on the PAIL theme for this month: Parenting Styles.  This isn’t going to be an easy post for me, but I’ve had a lot of good things to think about.  I hope to get it up on Sunday.

Until then.

Week 24

Aside from a lot of things, I need a haircut something fierce!

We’ve reached Week 24!!!  If you don’t know, this is the week we reach fetal viability.  Meaning that if for some reason I have to deliver the baby right now, they have a 50% chance of survival.  It doesn’t seem like much, but it means everything.

I’m actually surprised how relieving it is.  I thought I was being so positive, but reaching this point definitely makes this feel even more real.  Wow, we’re so probably going to have this baby.

Aside from then worrying if I’m ready to have this safe natural labor (I’m not, but I’m hoping after our childbirth class in May I’ll be a bit), my next fear is the gestational diabetes test.  I’ll either take it in two weeks, or just after I get back from Cincy in about a month.  I know I may not have it, and that it’s not the end of the world if I do.

It’s really stupid, but I just want to have a normal pregnancy.  I don’t want to have to go on a diet.  Mind you, I would if I had to.  I just have no fond memories of when I had to lose the weight before the IVF and the food I had to eat then (remember Congee?). I don’t eat super bad now, but I did just receive the Girl Scout cookies from my nieces and if I can’t have my Thin Mints I will lose my s#*t.

Blah, enough worry for now.  A few more weeks and we’ll be at 90% viability!  DH’s birthday is coming up.  Oh, and we’ll hopefully have our first healthy nephew in a couple of weeks.  Crazy.

Hope everyone has a safe and happy Passover or Easter!

We Have


Huge sigh of relief.  Thank you to the ladies for your support, and I was good about staying relaxed….until last night.  I guess I had managed to put it out of my head until then.  The anticipation of the season premier of Game of Thrones helped a lot, but when that was done I was left to my own thoughts.

God love my Mother, but she didn’t really help.  We talk every Sunday night, but she wasn’t able to talk too much since her and my brother’s family are vacationing in Florida right now.  She did a bit of “researching” on her own, and she starts bringing up the possibility of gestational diabetes.  I know we have a family history of diabetes, I know I’m a big girl, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get gd.  But when your mother worries, that makes you worry.

So by the time I got to the doctors today, I was so anxious I was shaking.  Luckily DH was able to be there with me (the office was all of two minutes from his office), and it felt good to have him there to hold my hand.  It still took them 30 minutes to get me back there and I almost ran to the chair.

I hopped up, and the ultrasound tech started taking a look around.  Placenta was on top and creeping down a bit to the right, but looked good.  The baby was breech, and she started taking a look from top to bottom.  Everything looked good, the head circumference  was 25 weeks, we saw the spinal cord, spine, ribs, arms, hands, heart with four chambers, heartbeat at 165 (he was moving A LOT.  I’m sure my blood pressure was up and not helping), stomach, kidneys, umbilical cord with blood flow, liver, bladder, boy parts (yeah!), legs, femur measuring about 24 weeks, and feet.  They checked fluid around the baby, and it was fine.

Baby’s average measurement is about 24 weeks 6 days.  Measuring plus or minus two weeks from your actual date is perfectly normal.  He’s about 1 pound 9 ounces.  He’s at the 50% percentile measurements of average babies his age.

Bottom line, everything is perfect.  They’re not really sure why my belly was measuring so big, but it’s not baby or the uterus.  At least they knocked off $100 from the bill since there was no need for a consultation.

I’m always happy to see baby though.  He’s getting cuter and cuter, and it was super cool to see him kick and being able to feel it at the same time.  I’m still not sure how we got such an active kid though 😉

In other good news, DH’s grandmother is back at home.  They’ll still be monitoring her for a few more weeks, but from what I heard she was still being her normal stubborn self.  Another fantastic sigh of relief.

On the house front, the sellers agreed to pay $500 in repairs, and told us that they only needed the house until May 2.  So we signed off on the option period, and now the appraisal will be done and all that fun financial stuff.

Although we’re losing some money not getting the leaseback, I’m happy to be getting in earlier.  My mother and I will be getting back from Cincy a few days after they’ll be out, so not only can all that baby stuff just go directly to the new house, but having my mom there to help out will be great.  Not to mention that I’ll just feel better getting all our crap out and the apartment clean by the time we have to start showing it.

Three great sighs of relief, and we’re so happy that everything has worked out. Some great things are coming up in the next couple of weeks, and we’re excited.    Just 3 more days until 24 weeks!