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Monthly Archives: June 2012

No Bueno

Well, the news is not good.  I know we are nowhere near a worse case scenario, but I’m really not having an easy time processing this.  I don’t want to talk to anyone besides DH.  Like if I say it out loud to anyone else, it makes it more real than I want to deal with right now.

The midwife came for her house check yesterday, and baby is still in a breech position.  It was actually not my main midwife who came, and I really didn’t want to deal with this other midwife.  She’s not bad by any sort of means, but she’s a negative Nancy.  So am I, so this just makes the situation worse.  She doesn’t know how to handle and calm me.

So I shed some tears, and pretty much shut down for the rest of the visit.  She went about making sure everything was ready (it was), gave me a vaginal check (cervix is still closed and high), checked the baby’s heartbeat (good), but then complained that my belly was measuring big (38 weeks.  I’m 35 at this point).  I told her that I always measure big, but that we’ve had an ultrasound and the baby is fine.  “That was a long time ago,” she said.  Sure, whatever lady.  I’ve been on a diet.  I’ve only gained 18-19 pounds this entire pregnancy.  I know he’s not big.  Why are you even trying to give me something else to worry about?

At the end we discussed going to get a ultrasound to confirm the baby’s position, and then see a doctor about getting an ECV.  So I set the appointment for later that afternoon, and ran out the door to make it to my chiropractor appointment.  Not that I really wanted to go.  I wanted to just be by myself and have my good cry.

During the chiro appointment he turned into a transverse position.  The chiropractor seemed really excited, but I told him that he’s been doing this for weeks.  He’ll get himself in every position except for the one we need him in.  The good news about this is that it may be a good sign that the ECV will work.

After that I ran to the ultrasound.  He was definitively transverse, but at least anterior.  Good for delivery, not if we wanted any chance to see his face today.  He’s already a complete little butt-head.

I also made sure they measured him, and what do you know?  He’s only measuring just less than a week early, and at 6 pounds 3 ounces.  A little big, but by no means nothing to worry about.

I called the midwife afterwards to go over everything (he’s not huge so suck it!), and she let me know that she’s already talked to the OBGYN about getting me in the next morning to go over the ECV.  So I called to confirm everything, and finally headed home.

I haven’t gotten much sleep the past few days, I’m just so upset.  I know the idea of a C-section doesn’t bother most women, but it tears me apart.  I know that sometimes it’s medically necessary, but I feel somehow a lot of women have been convinced that it’s not as big of a deal as it is.

Before we even got pregnant, DH and I wanted to have a natural home birth.  We moved from KY to TX just so we could!  I’ve done everything for this kid.  I ate Congee, exercised my ass off, quit smoking cold turkey, gave up every thing that has a slight chance of being bad for baby, shot myself full of hormones, had surgery, went on even more diets to keep the GD under control, and did every imaginable thing to get this kid to put his head down.  Now that we’re so close to the end, and I can’t give my baby the birth that’s best for him.  Yeah, I know that any birth where we both survive is technically “best”, but this is just what I believe and how I feel.

I don’t want my baby cut out of me!  The thought devastates me.  I don’t want labor and delivery to be “easy”.  I want it to be natural and right.  I want to be able to hold him skin to skin and bond as you are supposed to as soon as he’s born.  I don’t want the doctors to cut the umbilical cord so quickly.  Sorry, I believe that the baby should be given the chance for his blood to return to him in the beginning, and not “banked”.  Not even to mention on what the procedure would do to my body.

Everything about it is just the opposite of what I ever wanted.  Don’t we finally deserve a break?  I know that I’m jumping to worse case scenario, but that’s what I do.  I know I’m not doing myself any favors.  I’m depressed and angry.  Why can’t he just put his stupid head down?!?

DH and I went to the OBGYN this morning.  She’s nice, but I don’t want to be in this situation.  She did a quick sonogram, and he was still breech.  So we went over everything, and decided that we’ll do another sonogram on Tuesday and if he hasn’t flipped then do an ECV on next Thursday.  I’m not holding my breath that it will be good news on Tuesday either.

I don’t know what to think about the ECV.  I’m not afraid to have it done.  I’m not worried about pain, just that it won’t hurt him.  I don’t know if it will work or not.  We have a better chance since he does move, and it would be great if he was transverse right before.  It’s just that I’ve already tried so much, and it did nothing.  I’m already defeated.  My fellow infertiles know how we feel about statistics.  We don’t typically fall on the right side of them.

So anyway, that’s where we are.  Any good thoughts/vibes you could send my way would be appreciated.  I want to apologize for being so negative, and I hope you understand anything I said about birth here was not to say anything about anyone else’s birth and not said to offend.  I’m sorry if it did.  It’s just the birth I want my baby to have, and I’m really upset that there is a possibility that it may not turn out the way I wanted.  I know I should focus on just being able to have a happy, healthy baby, but give me this one post to feel sorry for myself.  Ok?

I’m going to go hang upside down for a while….

PS.  Oh, I almost forgot the one sad yet funny thing we found out at the OB today.  The baby has DH’s crazy/unruly hair.  Poor thing…

Could almost be an “Elvisy” look, but too curly and feathery.

32 Days Left?!?

32 days left?!?  At least, if he does decide to come on his due date.  Oh my, we’re ready, but I can’t believe how close we’re getting.

I’m so torn.  Part of me is ready to meet him face to face.  Hold him in my arms, kiss his cheeks, and hold his little hands.  Part of me isn’t ready for him to be out of my body yet.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be pregnant again.  I’ve enjoyed it so much.  This bond we have.  Feeling his kicks.  After this he’ll only grow up and farther away from his Mommy.  Don’t get me wrong though, I am excited to see the man he’ll become.

Sigh, so what’s been going on?  Well we had a lovely little baby shower/house warming party thrown by a dear new friend of mine.  We had seven kids under the age of 10 in our house.  What a way to test if you are ready to become a parent!  I’m proud to say that even though I spent all week cleaning my house to perfection, I barely batted an eye as I watched them destroy it.

Here’s some pictures of the festivities:

The Spread

Awesome patchwork quilt that DH’s coworker’s wife made for us.

It was a great time.  We’re really blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love and support us.

Then on Tuesday I had an appointment with the midwife.  Everything was going fine until she was trying to determine the position of the baby.  After much poking around we figured that he was fully in a Frank Breech position.

I had been doing inversion techniques, but not religiously.  So now we’re at a serious point.  She’s giving me a bit of time to see if we can naturally get the baby to turn, but if he doesn’t then she’s going to recommend me to a physician to do an External Cephalic Verision (EVC).

I’m not scared to have it done, although I would like to avoid it obviously.  I’m more frightened to have it not work, and have to have a C-section.  So I’m trying everything in my power to get him to flip.

Now please, I hope this doesn’t sound rude, but if I hear one more person suggest things to me I will scream.  Yes, I know about Spinningbabies.  Yes, I’ve been doing Inversion, Breech Tilt, using hot and cold packs, music, light, I went to a Chiropractor who does the Webster Technique on Wednesday, and an Acupuncturist who does Moxibustion on Thursday.  We are literally doing everything.

So has the baby turned?  I have no idea.  It’s so frustrating that it can bring me to tears sometimes.  From feeling my belly, I can’t make heads or tails of him.  I tried to get my midwife to help me figure it out before, but if she can barely figure it out how am I supposed to?  I left just more confused.  I’ve tried researching online, but nothing is helping.

From feeling his kicks (or punches I can’t tell which is which), it’s all in my lower abdomen.  I rarely, if ever, feel anything above my belly button.  So wouldn’t that still mean he’s breech?  Well shouldn’t I feel something up there?  He always likes to have his feet near his head, so what if he is heads down and his feet are down there too?  Which is why I’m only feeling movement down there?

Plus if you think he has flipped, you’re supposed to stop doing all this stuff.  I’m so unsure though that I would hate to stop doing it, and have him not flip.  Not to mention that laying on that damn board upside down is starting to kill my back and give me headaches.

Ugh, see how this can be so frustrating?  I would like to feel confidant that I’ll get good news before the midwife comes on Monday, but I really just don’t know.  This is the most stressed out I’ve been this whole pregnancy.

We’re finally in the home stretch.  I’ve done EVERYTHING for this kid, and he wants to put it in jeopardy because he doesn’t want to put his freakin’ big head down?!?  Alright, well send some good vibes, and I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Wish us luck!

PAIL: Father’s Day Then and Now

I have a bit to update on, but today I thought that I would obviously focus on this month’s PAIL monthly theme post.

Maybe you’ve followed this blog for a while, maybe not.  If you don’t know or haven’t figured out, the 12 years of life with my father were not happy ones.  I never had the healthy relationship between a father and his daughter that I’ve seen in other women’s lives.

Not that I’ve been angry or jealous of this fact.  I really actually think nothing of it.  I don’t even know how to relate or picture it.  It’s very alien to me.

I was never comfortable around older men.  I couldn’t picture what a father or the relationship with him was supposed to be.  I could only picture what life could be like away from him.  Maybe this is a sad thing, but for the childhood me it would be pure happiness.

I was so blessed when the divorce finally happened.  I still had a lot of battles to face, but it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.  I wouldn’t be who I am today, and it scares me to think of what I would have ended up if he was allowed to be in my life.  I know I’m a healthier, better person for it.

So as I watch some friends post lovely messages and pictures of their fathers on Facebook I just think, “cool,” but its something that I haven’t thought much about or celebrated for 16 years.  More years of my life have been not celebrating than have.

That was then, so what about now?  We actually didn’t celebrate Mother’s or Father’s Day with each other this year.  Not because we don’t believe ourselves to be.  I think more of we’ll save the money for the things we still need to get for this new baby.

I think Father’s Day next year will be a really big experience for me.  Not only will I experiencing what life will finally be like with a child, but finally experiencing what it will be like to have a father in my life.  Maybe I should have experienced it as a child, but I’m just as excited to experience it as the wife of that father.

Although I still can’t wrap my head around the idea of fatherhood, I do know that DH will be a great father.  He’s kind, intelligent, funny, selfless, supportive, and just what a man should be.  Everything my father was not, and I’m excited to experience those differences.

I guess all I could have hoped for was to give my child that different life.  So how could I ever be sad about what I didn’t have, when I can be so happy about what my own child will have?  Not to mention the fact that we’re just overjoyed that we can be celebrating these days at all.

I wish I had a bit more introspective on the subject, but its just really something I haven’t experienced yet.  I’m excited to though.  We’re at the beginning of so many new life changes and experiences.  I can’t wait to see what I’ll have to say on the subject next year.

Getting Things in Line

So we’re back from the babymoon.  It was soooo nice!  Just to lounge around on the beach, float in a pool, and spend some good one on one time with DH was very much needed.  We didn’t get to stay too long, but it was a great time.

Baby’s First Trip to the Beach!

I posted this picture on FB, and was surprised how many people commented on how good I looked.  I mean, not that I think I don’t 😉  But I really wasn’t fishing for comments like that.  It made me start to think though of all the women who I know on FB that were/are pregnant, and the very few of them that also post pregnant photos (1 of 5 that I can think of off the top of my head).  It makes me really sad.  I love seeing my friends and family with big pregnant bellies (in the name of honesty though, had I not gotten pregnant I probably wouldn’t feel that way).  I wish that every pregnant woman felt as beautiful as they really are.

I’m so proud of my belly.  Sometimes I just push it out more.  I don’t mean to show off in a bad way, but damn it I went through hell to get this and I want to enjoy it!  I have gotten so few comments about it or people who want to touch my belly that I sometimes ask DH if I look pregnant or just really fat.  Not that I care if they think I’m really fat (please, dealt with that my entire life.  Over it), but this may be the only time in my life I’ll be pregnant.  Acknowledge the belly, lol!  I may be odd, but I love it when people touch my belly.  I guess I just wish that other preggos could enjoy and appreciate the experience as much as I do, and not worry about how they look.

Not that it’s always a cakewalk or that I always feel beautiful.  Actually, I’ve felt like complete crap the last few days.  I’m exhausted, hot, can’t concentrate, and just overwhelmed by what I would like to get done and just how little I can manage.  Trips to the store take an extra hour because I don’t move or think fast.  When DH came home last night I had made the main dish of dinner, but could not manage to come up with a side item.  Part of it was just being sick of the limited options of low carbs, and part of it was just that I was tired and didn’t want to even think about it.  I’ve never felt so lazy in my life.  It drives me crazy.

The midwife wants us to basically have all our ducks in a row in less than three weeks since the baby can really come as early as 36 weeks.  I know it can come even earlier, but that’s the earliest that they will allow you to have a homebirth, and they want you to be completely ready by then.  Thank goodness there is little more than cleaning upkeep in the house, but there’s a lot of things to get together for this homebirth.  I have about half of the supplies ready, and I need to find a pediatrician.  Not exactly an easy thing to do when you’re in a new area.  I’ve gotten a few recommendations and plan to start making calls on Monday.

While I was also at the midwife, baby boy was being a stink.  Recently when she’s been feeling my belly, she’s been able to tell that he’s heads down.  This day, she literally couldn’t make heads or tails of him.  I had three different midwives poking me, and they couldn’t figure it out.  He was sort of diagonal, maybe Frank Breech?  So they decided to wait until the end of the meeting to try again.  They felt before I left, and he had gone back to heads down.  Great.

Before we had left for the babymoon, I actually got a call from one of the 3D ultrasound places I went to.  They said that they were training new techs, and asked if I wanted to be a “test subject”.  I said of course, who doesn’t want to see their baby again?  So I had set up the appointment after my midwife appointment.  When I got there and they started looking at my baby the instructor said, “Well, this one is going to be different.”  He was completely sideways and indeed in a Frank Breech position.  He was snuggled in good, and would not move.  This made it really hard for them to get any good pictures, or even see his sex.  I apologized to the students that it wasn’t a better learning experience for them.  I was one of those “if things go totally wrong during a session and how to deal with your client then” scenarios.  Great…

I’m not too worried about his position as I don’t feel like he’s normally like that, and he still has a couple of weeks to get his head down again.  I was just really bummed about not getting a good view of him again though.  I was really looking forward to it.  He’s gained more weight, and looks a little chunkier but I just couldn’t make out too much of his features.  This was the best picture we got of him:

That would be his foot in his eye…

Oh well, other than that they said he looked great and I’m super happy about that.  I know I’ll be ready by week 36, but if he wants to cook in there a little more I’m perfectly fine with that.  I’m getting my head wrapped around the whole birth thing, but it’s not like I’m just ready to jump into it this moment.  Just trying to get everything in line.

On a side note, send your love and prayers to Michelle and Roo at A Miracle in the Works.  At just under 32 weeks, her water broke and went to the hospital.  Everything is looking well so far though, but she is being closely monitored.  Roo is just a week and a half younger than Jasper, and I can’t imagine having to go through what they are going through.  They are both some strong women!