I have a bit to update on, but today I thought that I would obviously focus on this month’s PAIL monthly theme post.
Maybe you’ve followed this blog for a while, maybe not. If you don’t know or haven’t figured out, the 12 years of life with my father were not happy ones. I never had the healthy relationship between a father and his daughter that I’ve seen in other women’s lives.
Not that I’ve been angry or jealous of this fact. I really actually think nothing of it. I don’t even know how to relate or picture it. It’s very alien to me.
I was never comfortable around older men. I couldn’t picture what a father or the relationship with him was supposed to be. I could only picture what life could be like away from him. Maybe this is a sad thing, but for the childhood me it would be pure happiness.
I was so blessed when the divorce finally happened. I still had a lot of battles to face, but it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn’t be who I am today, and it scares me to think of what I would have ended up if he was allowed to be in my life. I know I’m a healthier, better person for it.
So as I watch some friends post lovely messages and pictures of their fathers on Facebook I just think, “cool,” but its something that I haven’t thought much about or celebrated for 16 years. More years of my life have been not celebrating than have.
That was then, so what about now? We actually didn’t celebrate Mother’s or Father’s Day with each other this year. Not because we don’t believe ourselves to be. I think more of we’ll save the money for the things we still need to get for this new baby.
I think Father’s Day next year will be a really big experience for me. Not only will I experiencing what life will finally be like with a child, but finally experiencing what it will be like to have a father in my life. Maybe I should have experienced it as a child, but I’m just as excited to experience it as the wife of that father.
Although I still can’t wrap my head around the idea of fatherhood, I do know that DH will be a great father. He’s kind, intelligent, funny, selfless, supportive, and just what a man should be. Everything my father was not, and I’m excited to experience those differences.
I guess all I could have hoped for was to give my child that different life. So how could I ever be sad about what I didn’t have, when I can be so happy about what my own child will have? Not to mention the fact that we’re just overjoyed that we can be celebrating these days at all.
I wish I had a bit more introspective on the subject, but its just really something I haven’t experienced yet. I’m excited to though. We’re at the beginning of so many new life changes and experiences. I can’t wait to see what I’ll have to say on the subject next year.