Well, the news is not good. I know we are nowhere near a worse case scenario, but I’m really not having an easy time processing this. I don’t want to talk to anyone besides DH. Like if I say it out loud to anyone else, it makes it more real than I want to deal with right now.
The midwife came for her house check yesterday, and baby is still in a breech position. It was actually not my main midwife who came, and I really didn’t want to deal with this other midwife. She’s not bad by any sort of means, but she’s a negative Nancy. So am I, so this just makes the situation worse. She doesn’t know how to handle and calm me.
So I shed some tears, and pretty much shut down for the rest of the visit. She went about making sure everything was ready (it was), gave me a vaginal check (cervix is still closed and high), checked the baby’s heartbeat (good), but then complained that my belly was measuring big (38 weeks. I’m 35 at this point). I told her that I always measure big, but that we’ve had an ultrasound and the baby is fine. “That was a long time ago,” she said. Sure, whatever lady. I’ve been on a diet. I’ve only gained 18-19 pounds this entire pregnancy. I know he’s not big. Why are you even trying to give me something else to worry about?
At the end we discussed going to get a ultrasound to confirm the baby’s position, and then see a doctor about getting an ECV. So I set the appointment for later that afternoon, and ran out the door to make it to my chiropractor appointment. Not that I really wanted to go. I wanted to just be by myself and have my good cry.
During the chiro appointment he turned into a transverse position. The chiropractor seemed really excited, but I told him that he’s been doing this for weeks. He’ll get himself in every position except for the one we need him in. The good news about this is that it may be a good sign that the ECV will work.
After that I ran to the ultrasound. He was definitively transverse, but at least anterior. Good for delivery, not if we wanted any chance to see his face today. He’s already a complete little butt-head.
I also made sure they measured him, and what do you know? He’s only measuring just less than a week early, and at 6 pounds 3 ounces. A little big, but by no means nothing to worry about.
I called the midwife afterwards to go over everything (he’s not huge so suck it!), and she let me know that she’s already talked to the OBGYN about getting me in the next morning to go over the ECV. So I called to confirm everything, and finally headed home.
I haven’t gotten much sleep the past few days, I’m just so upset. I know the idea of a C-section doesn’t bother most women, but it tears me apart. I know that sometimes it’s medically necessary, but I feel somehow a lot of women have been convinced that it’s not as big of a deal as it is.
Before we even got pregnant, DH and I wanted to have a natural home birth. We moved from KY to TX just so we could! I’ve done everything for this kid. I ate Congee, exercised my ass off, quit smoking cold turkey, gave up every thing that has a slight chance of being bad for baby, shot myself full of hormones, had surgery, went on even more diets to keep the GD under control, and did every imaginable thing to get this kid to put his head down. Now that we’re so close to the end, and I can’t give my baby the birth that’s best for him. Yeah, I know that any birth where we both survive is technically “best”, but this is just what I believe and how I feel.
I don’t want my baby cut out of me! The thought devastates me. I don’t want labor and delivery to be “easy”. I want it to be natural and right. I want to be able to hold him skin to skin and bond as you are supposed to as soon as he’s born. I don’t want the doctors to cut the umbilical cord so quickly. Sorry, I believe that the baby should be given the chance for his blood to return to him in the beginning, and not “banked”. Not even to mention on what the procedure would do to my body.
Everything about it is just the opposite of what I ever wanted. Don’t we finally deserve a break? I know that I’m jumping to worse case scenario, but that’s what I do. I know I’m not doing myself any favors. I’m depressed and angry. Why can’t he just put his stupid head down?!?
DH and I went to the OBGYN this morning. She’s nice, but I don’t want to be in this situation. She did a quick sonogram, and he was still breech. So we went over everything, and decided that we’ll do another sonogram on Tuesday and if he hasn’t flipped then do an ECV on next Thursday. I’m not holding my breath that it will be good news on Tuesday either.
I don’t know what to think about the ECV. I’m not afraid to have it done. I’m not worried about pain, just that it won’t hurt him. I don’t know if it will work or not. We have a better chance since he does move, and it would be great if he was transverse right before. It’s just that I’ve already tried so much, and it did nothing. I’m already defeated. My fellow infertiles know how we feel about statistics. We don’t typically fall on the right side of them.
So anyway, that’s where we are. Any good thoughts/vibes you could send my way would be appreciated. I want to apologize for being so negative, and I hope you understand anything I said about birth here was not to say anything about anyone else’s birth and not said to offend. I’m sorry if it did. It’s just the birth I want my baby to have, and I’m really upset that there is a possibility that it may not turn out the way I wanted. I know I should focus on just being able to have a happy, healthy baby, but give me this one post to feel sorry for myself. Ok?
I’m going to go hang upside down for a while….
PS. Oh, I almost forgot the one sad yet funny thing we found out at the OB today. The baby has DH’s crazy/unruly hair. Poor thing…