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Monthly Archives: July 2012

Memorable Moment Monday

So excited that I can share this on PAIL’s Memorable Moment Monday:

Jasper Malcolm was born this past Friday, July 27 at 9:24 am.  He was 7 pounds 15 ounces, and 20 and 3/4 inches.  We are both well and are already back home.  I was so silly to ever worry about bonding.  This feeling is beyond words.  I’ll post the full birth story at a later time.

3 Days (Hopefully)

First of all I want to thank so many people for commenting and sharing their stories on my last post.  It really has helped.  Every day gets better, the anger subsides, and although I’m not happy about what will most likely happen I am accepting it.  Or am I?

I’ve been in contact with a sweet lady who has done a lot of research for me, and has a few recommendations of other OBs or Midwives that I can try to see.  One midwife I had actually interviewed before and really liked, but ended up going with the midwife I’m with now I guess because I knew more people that had gone to her.

Here’s the thing though.  I’m so close to my due date.  Yes, I know that most first time moms go a lot longer, but although I can’t explain it, I just have a feeling it won’t be long after the due date.  My brother was born a week early and I was only a few days late.  I’ve been having all kinds of signs of impending labor.  Cramps, diarrhea, pelvic pressure, crazy hormones giving me pimples and making my blood sugar levels rise a bit, nausea, and increased cervical mucus.

So should I just go with the plan, or should I keep seeking other options?  Am I being lazy?  A bad mom?  I finally got my head wrapped around and to acceptance of this plan.  I don’t know that my anxiety can handle any more changes, new plans, new doctors/midwives at this point.  Part of me feels like a failure, but part of me is just at a point of f this I’m just ready to have my baby now.

Seriously, I’ve gotten so excited.  My mom is here, he can now officially be a Leo (like his awesome mommy), and although I’ll miss being pregnant I’m ready to move past all this and have my baby in my arms.  I’m so excited to see what he’ll look like, all his little features, to nurse him, dress him, cuddle him, and kiss him.  I keep rubbing him and telling him it’s ok to come now.

Much to the disapproval of my husband.  “No,” he tells him behind me, “you can wait another week.”  “You can carry him then,” I say.  He is definitely not at the point that I’m at yet.  He’s excited, but I don’t think he’ll ever feel “ready”.  “He has to wait until after your birthday,” he says.  Which is Wednesday, the day before he’s due.  Now while Leos are notoriously a little self centered and yes before I have said that I didn’t want him to be born on my birthday,  I’m past that.  We Leos also have no patience, and I want him now.

“You’re just ready to have carbs and sweets,” DH says.  Well, yes.  I’m tired of buying the expensive tests strips, poking myself four times a day, denying myself certain foods, and having to plan out everything that goes into my mouth.  I have noticed though that as of two weeks ago, my numbers have been a bit wonky.  Foods that would have never sent my numbers up suddenly were.  I had two bad dinner numbers on the 11th and 12th, and then a bad fasting number on the 13th.  Since then I’ve been super diligent, and have kept them down.  Although the numbers haven’t been bad, they haven’t been as low as I could normally get them.

My midwife was out of town for my last appointment, so I told the fellow midwife that was seeing me for my weekly appointment.  She said that it was probably my hormones, and to let them know if I go over anymore.  I haven’t and thought nothing more about it.  Until earlier this morning.

Side note:  To try to save confusion I will say that there are 3 midwives in this practice.  #1 is the one that was with me through the whole ECV thing.  She is the main midwife in the practice, a negative nancy, and I really can’t stand her.  #2 is my main midwife and I like her.  #3 is the new midwife, and I really enjoy her.

So, it was midwife #3 I saw for that weekly appointment.  This morning I got a call from #1….super.  I knew she wasn’t just checking on me, so I asked her what she was calling for.  The short version of the story is that she’s worried about my numbers (apparently had a dream about me) and wanted to call a doctor to see if they feel that I need to be put on medication.

What the what?!?  Yes, I had a few bad numbers.  10 days ago!  They’ve been fine since then.  “Oh, I’m glad to hear that.  That makes me feel better,” she says.  Oh, I’m so glad for you.  Thanks for calling and freaking me out about it 3 days before my due date.  “Well it could have been related to the stress of the ECV,” she said.  Sure, so it’s probably a good idea for you to be stressing me about it more.  Are you serious?  Aren’t you supposed to be midwives who advocate for natural pregnancy and births?!?  I would understand if I couldn’t keep my numbers under control, but I have been.  Why are you pushing drugs on me?

“Well I’m not concerned about his weight anymore,” she says.  Halle-freaking-lujah!  I’ve been trying to get you to get off that crap for months.  Yes, my belly always measured big, but countless ultrasounds always showed that he was right on track.  He’s not a big baby.  “Now I’m just concerned about him being hypoglycemic.  Do you know about this,” she asked.  Uh, I have gestational diabetes.  Don’t you think I did some research about it?  Of course I know that we’re not only concerned about having a big baby, but also that it would cause him to have low blood pressure at birth.  WTF?

So she told me she would call her doctor and ask his opinion and get back with me.  Sure, whatever.  “You’ve been doing so well,” she tells me before she hangs up.  Duh, but you certainly haven’t been acting like it.  I’m so done with this lady.  I know I’ve had a lot of hurdles.  My weight, the GD, the breech baby, but it’s nothing that I haven’t been able to tackle.  The way she acts makes me wonder in these 30 years she’s been doing this has she really not dealt with anyone like me?  Have you only been dealing with skinny granola hippies who have perfect pregnancies and births?  Because I feel you’re over reacting about everything that has happened in my pregnancy.  You act surprised when I’ve been doing what I’m supposed to and the baby is doing well.

Just, ugh.  Done with it!

So now we’re just at a point of hurry up and wait.  Everything is ready to go, but last Thursday we hit a bit of a snag.  DH broke our only camera.  Although we didn’t want to be making big purchases at this time, he was going to buy me a nicer camera for Christmas anyway.  So we bought a Nikon D3200 that I’ve been excitedly playing with and been teaching DH and Mom to use it.  Even if you’re not an experienced photographer, but want to start using a nicer camera I highly recommend it.

Other than that I’ve been trying to take as many walks as my body will allow, and having “cuddle” time with my husband.  “You’re just using my body to induce labor,” he says in a vein attempt to deny me.  Then I remind him that a c section will mean six weeks of denial for him.  Poor thing.  Enjoy it while you can.

That’s about it.  I’m hoping that maybe the next post can be a birth story.  OMG, I’m going to be a mommy!  We’re so close to what we’ve been struggling for for two years.  I’m ready!

Control

It was a heartbreaking weekend.  We went back and forth a lot about what to do.  I didn’t want to have to make a decision.

We knew we were definitely not going to schedule a c section.  I would never choose to cut my baby out of me before he was ready, and I’m afraid of how my body would feel if it wasn’t allowed to at least begin labor.  So do we stay here and wait for labor to start and then go get a c section, or would we try the doctor four hours away who would let us birth vaginally but who is also out of our insurance network?

At first I was pretty convinced to attempt the doctor four hours away, but I was surprised when DH said that he would rather stay here.  He was the one who turned me to natural birth in the first place.  I have to listen and respect his opinion though.

Money is a concern.  Being out of network, we would first have to meet our deductible before the insurance will pay for only 50% of the bill.  We are nowhere close to our deductible.  Not to mention the cost of gas and a hotel for an unknown number of days.  DH would also be unable to come up there with me.  He could only head up when I started labor.  Although it’s likely that it would take way longer than 4 hours for the baby to come, what if it doesn’t?  What if something goes wrong and I have to get an emergency c section anyway?  Not only would that be more expensive, but I would never ever forgive myself if DH missed the birth of his son.  I don’t even want to attempt going through this without him.

I wish money wasn’t a concern, but as a stay at home wife I can’t expect an endless money flow from my husband.  We just payed off our credit cards, bought a house, and are about to have a baby.  As much as in my heart I feel I can birth this baby vaginally, is it worth putting more financial strain on our family?

The decision hurt me so much.  The depression turned into anger.  We did everything right.  It’s not fair.  We’ve had absolutely no control over this entire process.  We couldn’t control our own bodies just to get pregnant in the first place.  We could have stayed in Cincy and at least had our infertility costs covered by insurance, but we chose to move to Austin so that we would have some control over our birthing options.  I have GD and had little control over my diet.  Now that we’re so close to the end, any control we thought we had has been stripped away.

I’m an informed patient.  I should be able to make the decision of how I want to birth.  I shouldn’t be forced into something because of insurance companies and lazy doctors.  I tried to stay positive this entire process, but now I’m done.  I’m pissed.

I’m tired of hearing from people.  If someone tries to tell me one more time that, “the baby knows best.  This is just the way he’s meant to come.” or anything the like I will punch them in the throat.  I’m sorry, but it’s a fetus.  It has no understanding of what a c section is.  There is no way he’s in there thinking, “you know what?  Being cut out of this woman’s body (because I obviously also am fully aware of where I am) sounds like it would be awesome.”  Am I seriously the only one who thinks that sounds beyond stupid?  Yes, we as creatures are somehow miraculously pre-programmed to do amazing things.  Like breathe, but you can’t convince me that we are aware enough in the womb to make some sort of decision about if we want to be born via c section or not.

So needless to say I was not in the best mood when I went to my midwife appointment yesterday.  These get to be weekly now.  Great.  I just wanted them to check our stats and get me out of there.  But no, they always want to talk to you.  I told them honestly that I was angry and just wanted this over with.  Of course they got preachy.  “You have to trust this is the way he’s meant to come”.  F-ing blah blah blah.  They explained how exactly everything would go, that they would be there to make sure that I get to breastfeed and get skin-to-skin as soon as possible, that because I was in their care I would be more likely to go home early if everything was ok, and that they would make sure it was all done in a way that I would be able to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for the next baby.

This is where I got a little more pissed.  “That’s the thing,” I said, “I don’t know if we’ll ever get pregnant again.”  “Why,” the midwife asked.  They are so fully aware of what we been through.  Are you seriously kidding me?  “Uh, we’re infertile,” I looked at her like she was mental.

Why can’t people get it?  Just because you have a baby doesn’t mean you’re not infertile.  We are not “cured”.  My husband’s sperm still sucks.  He still cannot get me pregnant.  Just because one round of IVF miraculously worked does not guarantee us that it will EVER happen again.  I may NEVER get the chance to have the beautiful home birth experience that we so desperately wanted.

That’s why this experience has meant so much to us.  Why we went through hell and back to get to this point.  We appreciate the process more than most people do.  Do other women go through so much emotional turmoil over having a C section?  How do we deserve any of this?

I almost hate myself for this, but I actually said to DH last night, “I don’t know how I’ll feel in a couple of years, but I don’t know if I can ever go through all this again.  I don’t know if I’ll ever want another baby.”  I know it’s just because I’m defeated right now, but then it just makes me pissed again that this is how I feel.

Side note:  It’s funny that I just saw that this month’s PAIL topic is about the decision to have another baby.  I’ll submit this post, and I’m sorry that it couldn’t be cheerier.  It’s just where I’m at right now.  Oh, I know that I’ll probably feel different once my baby is in my arms and blah blah blah, but I’m not in the mood to hear it right now.  So commenters have been warned.

I want to just stay in a hole until I go into labor and then get the awful thing over with.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m so grateful and excited to have my baby, but I just want to get to the point where we’re at home and I’m salvaging whatever bond was lost because we couldn’t be together during the first few moments of birth.  I want my baby, and I want my control back.

Fail

The ECV was a fail.  He just wouldn’t get into a good position for it.  He was breech with his face towards my spine.  In order for it to be successful, he would have had to face my side.

So did it hurt?  Well, yes, but nothing that killed me.  I just was completely focused on breathing and trying to stay relaxed as possible.  People looked at me and tried to talk to me, but I would just stare at them.  They thought I was still “under the veil” of the drugs, but trust me, after they’re sticking their bony fingers deep in your pelvis the veil of drugs is quickly lifted.  I just stared at them rather than say, “look, it’s taking everything in my power to focus so shut your mouth.”

DH was just perfection.  He sat close to my head, whispered encouragement, and stroked my hair.  It was everything I didn’t know I needed.  When they told us there was nothing more to be done, he held me and sobbed with me.

The rest of the day was one of the worse of my life.  I was so tired.  I didn’t want to think about what was next, but after we were given a moment that’s what everyone wanted to know from us.  The midwife is done with us.  They can lose their licence, and I understand, but I wish she was a bit more sensitive with us.  Note:  this was not my main midwife who I would have preferred was there, but they are in the same practice.  She actually had the nerve to say after it failed, “we did one of these last week, and it worked.”  WTF?  I’m sure for some people it does, but as you just saw it didn’t for us.  You just said you heard us sobbing, so why are you going to say something like that?  I’m sure you would have also told us when we were TTC that we should “just relax”.  Needless to say, I was done with her.

The doctor that she referred us to and did the ECV wanted to schedule a C section at 39 or 40 weeks.  At that moment I almost felt like telling her to cut me open right then and there.  I was tired and so defeated.  I can understand why so many women let doctors convince them to do it.  Again, thank goodness for DH.  He really stepped up as my rock and told them we needed time to think about everything.

So after finally getting something to eat, and sleeping most of the day away I feel a bit better today.  I’m not good, but I’m getting better.  I feel like I did about a thousand crunches though, my abdomen and pelvis are very sore.  I finally got a hold of my main midwife, and these are our options:

1.  I can transfer my care to a OB who will likely schedule a C section.  I can attempt to find one that will wait for me to labor, but she couldn’t think of anyone.

2.  I can stay with her, but once I start laboring we will go to the hospital.  If he hasn’t flipped by then, they’re likely to do an emergency C section.  It’s still the C section, but at least we’re waiting until the baby decides that he wants to come.

3.  There is a doctor that is willing to do vaginal breech births.  Two hitches with this.  a) his practice is 4 hours away b) he’s not covered by our insurance.  Ideally this is what we would really want to do, but there’s a lot to think about here.  I’m not worried about his competence.  He’s been doing these for years, and many breech babies from Austin and all over the state go to him.  Cost and timing I guess are the big things.  We would have to get a hotel room up there, but it’s not like we can actually tell what time the baby will come.

A lot to think about.  We’re taking the weekend to mull it all over.  Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers.  I guess we just used up all our good luck getting pregnant in the first place.  I’ll keep you updated.

Wish Us Luck

The baby was still in breech position yesterday, so the ECV is scheduled for tomorrow morning.

Even with the sonogram, it still took her a good 20 minutes to figure out his position.  He’s a mover.  She even thought for a second that there might be two!  Still just the one.  Because he’s not low in my pelvis yet and he is flex, she said we have about a 60% chance of this working.

I’m not nervous.  At this point, you just have to accept what will be will be and work with that.  I just want to know what will be so we can decide what our next step will be.

The on call midwife will be there, although the way they’ve been talking to me has been annoying me.  Not overly positive, which I wouldn’t want either, but in a “oh you poor thing I guess we’ll just see what happens and remember you just want a healthy baby” way.  It’s almost condescending.  Yes, this sucks, but we’ve gotten the short end of the stick for years now.  Don’t pity me or what we have to do.  I know I just want a healthy baby, and I will do whatever it takes to get that.  Talk to me normally, lets make a plan and do the damn thing.  I don’t need coddling, I need assistance.

Speaking of, Mom flew in just in case anything happens.  Any good vibes or prayers you could send our way would be greatly appreciated.  You know I’ll let you know what happens.

Thanks!