It was a heartbreaking weekend. We went back and forth a lot about what to do. I didn’t want to have to make a decision.
We knew we were definitely not going to schedule a c section. I would never choose to cut my baby out of me before he was ready, and I’m afraid of how my body would feel if it wasn’t allowed to at least begin labor. So do we stay here and wait for labor to start and then go get a c section, or would we try the doctor four hours away who would let us birth vaginally but who is also out of our insurance network?
At first I was pretty convinced to attempt the doctor four hours away, but I was surprised when DH said that he would rather stay here. He was the one who turned me to natural birth in the first place. I have to listen and respect his opinion though.
Money is a concern. Being out of network, we would first have to meet our deductible before the insurance will pay for only 50% of the bill. We are nowhere close to our deductible. Not to mention the cost of gas and a hotel for an unknown number of days. DH would also be unable to come up there with me. He could only head up when I started labor. Although it’s likely that it would take way longer than 4 hours for the baby to come, what if it doesn’t? What if something goes wrong and I have to get an emergency c section anyway? Not only would that be more expensive, but I would never ever forgive myself if DH missed the birth of his son. I don’t even want to attempt going through this without him.
I wish money wasn’t a concern, but as a stay at home wife I can’t expect an endless money flow from my husband. We just payed off our credit cards, bought a house, and are about to have a baby. As much as in my heart I feel I can birth this baby vaginally, is it worth putting more financial strain on our family?
The decision hurt me so much. The depression turned into anger. We did everything right. It’s not fair. We’ve had absolutely no control over this entire process. We couldn’t control our own bodies just to get pregnant in the first place. We could have stayed in Cincy and at least had our infertility costs covered by insurance, but we chose to move to Austin so that we would have some control over our birthing options. I have GD and had little control over my diet. Now that we’re so close to the end, any control we thought we had has been stripped away.
I’m an informed patient. I should be able to make the decision of how I want to birth. I shouldn’t be forced into something because of insurance companies and lazy doctors. I tried to stay positive this entire process, but now I’m done. I’m pissed.
I’m tired of hearing from people. If someone tries to tell me one more time that, “the baby knows best. This is just the way he’s meant to come.” or anything the like I will punch them in the throat. I’m sorry, but it’s a fetus. It has no understanding of what a c section is. There is no way he’s in there thinking, “you know what? Being cut out of this woman’s body (because I obviously also am fully aware of where I am) sounds like it would be awesome.” Am I seriously the only one who thinks that sounds beyond stupid? Yes, we as creatures are somehow miraculously pre-programmed to do amazing things. Like breathe, but you can’t convince me that we are aware enough in the womb to make some sort of decision about if we want to be born via c section or not.
So needless to say I was not in the best mood when I went to my midwife appointment yesterday. These get to be weekly now. Great. I just wanted them to check our stats and get me out of there. But no, they always want to talk to you. I told them honestly that I was angry and just wanted this over with. Of course they got preachy. “You have to trust this is the way he’s meant to come”. F-ing blah blah blah. They explained how exactly everything would go, that they would be there to make sure that I get to breastfeed and get skin-to-skin as soon as possible, that because I was in their care I would be more likely to go home early if everything was ok, and that they would make sure it was all done in a way that I would be able to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for the next baby.
This is where I got a little more pissed. “That’s the thing,” I said, “I don’t know if we’ll ever get pregnant again.” “Why,” the midwife asked. They are so fully aware of what we been through. Are you seriously kidding me? “Uh, we’re infertile,” I looked at her like she was mental.
Why can’t people get it? Just because you have a baby doesn’t mean you’re not infertile. We are not “cured”. My husband’s sperm still sucks. He still cannot get me pregnant. Just because one round of IVF miraculously worked does not guarantee us that it will EVER happen again. I may NEVER get the chance to have the beautiful home birth experience that we so desperately wanted.
That’s why this experience has meant so much to us. Why we went through hell and back to get to this point. We appreciate the process more than most people do. Do other women go through so much emotional turmoil over having a C section? How do we deserve any of this?
I almost hate myself for this, but I actually said to DH last night, “I don’t know how I’ll feel in a couple of years, but I don’t know if I can ever go through all this again. I don’t know if I’ll ever want another baby.” I know it’s just because I’m defeated right now, but then it just makes me pissed again that this is how I feel.
Side note: It’s funny that I just saw that this month’s PAIL topic is about the decision to have another baby. I’ll submit this post, and I’m sorry that it couldn’t be cheerier. It’s just where I’m at right now. Oh, I know that I’ll probably feel different once my baby is in my arms and blah blah blah, but I’m not in the mood to hear it right now. So commenters have been warned.
I want to just stay in a hole until I go into labor and then get the awful thing over with. Don’t get me wrong. I’m so grateful and excited to have my baby, but I just want to get to the point where we’re at home and I’m salvaging whatever bond was lost because we couldn’t be together during the first few moments of birth. I want my baby, and I want my control back.