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Control

It was a heartbreaking weekend.  We went back and forth a lot about what to do.  I didn’t want to have to make a decision.

We knew we were definitely not going to schedule a c section.  I would never choose to cut my baby out of me before he was ready, and I’m afraid of how my body would feel if it wasn’t allowed to at least begin labor.  So do we stay here and wait for labor to start and then go get a c section, or would we try the doctor four hours away who would let us birth vaginally but who is also out of our insurance network?

At first I was pretty convinced to attempt the doctor four hours away, but I was surprised when DH said that he would rather stay here.  He was the one who turned me to natural birth in the first place.  I have to listen and respect his opinion though.

Money is a concern.  Being out of network, we would first have to meet our deductible before the insurance will pay for only 50% of the bill.  We are nowhere close to our deductible.  Not to mention the cost of gas and a hotel for an unknown number of days.  DH would also be unable to come up there with me.  He could only head up when I started labor.  Although it’s likely that it would take way longer than 4 hours for the baby to come, what if it doesn’t?  What if something goes wrong and I have to get an emergency c section anyway?  Not only would that be more expensive, but I would never ever forgive myself if DH missed the birth of his son.  I don’t even want to attempt going through this without him.

I wish money wasn’t a concern, but as a stay at home wife I can’t expect an endless money flow from my husband.  We just payed off our credit cards, bought a house, and are about to have a baby.  As much as in my heart I feel I can birth this baby vaginally, is it worth putting more financial strain on our family?

The decision hurt me so much.  The depression turned into anger.  We did everything right.  It’s not fair.  We’ve had absolutely no control over this entire process.  We couldn’t control our own bodies just to get pregnant in the first place.  We could have stayed in Cincy and at least had our infertility costs covered by insurance, but we chose to move to Austin so that we would have some control over our birthing options.  I have GD and had little control over my diet.  Now that we’re so close to the end, any control we thought we had has been stripped away.

I’m an informed patient.  I should be able to make the decision of how I want to birth.  I shouldn’t be forced into something because of insurance companies and lazy doctors.  I tried to stay positive this entire process, but now I’m done.  I’m pissed.

I’m tired of hearing from people.  If someone tries to tell me one more time that, “the baby knows best.  This is just the way he’s meant to come.” or anything the like I will punch them in the throat.  I’m sorry, but it’s a fetus.  It has no understanding of what a c section is.  There is no way he’s in there thinking, “you know what?  Being cut out of this woman’s body (because I obviously also am fully aware of where I am) sounds like it would be awesome.”  Am I seriously the only one who thinks that sounds beyond stupid?  Yes, we as creatures are somehow miraculously pre-programmed to do amazing things.  Like breathe, but you can’t convince me that we are aware enough in the womb to make some sort of decision about if we want to be born via c section or not.

So needless to say I was not in the best mood when I went to my midwife appointment yesterday.  These get to be weekly now.  Great.  I just wanted them to check our stats and get me out of there.  But no, they always want to talk to you.  I told them honestly that I was angry and just wanted this over with.  Of course they got preachy.  “You have to trust this is the way he’s meant to come”.  F-ing blah blah blah.  They explained how exactly everything would go, that they would be there to make sure that I get to breastfeed and get skin-to-skin as soon as possible, that because I was in their care I would be more likely to go home early if everything was ok, and that they would make sure it was all done in a way that I would be able to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) for the next baby.

This is where I got a little more pissed.  “That’s the thing,” I said, “I don’t know if we’ll ever get pregnant again.”  “Why,” the midwife asked.  They are so fully aware of what we been through.  Are you seriously kidding me?  “Uh, we’re infertile,” I looked at her like she was mental.

Why can’t people get it?  Just because you have a baby doesn’t mean you’re not infertile.  We are not “cured”.  My husband’s sperm still sucks.  He still cannot get me pregnant.  Just because one round of IVF miraculously worked does not guarantee us that it will EVER happen again.  I may NEVER get the chance to have the beautiful home birth experience that we so desperately wanted.

That’s why this experience has meant so much to us.  Why we went through hell and back to get to this point.  We appreciate the process more than most people do.  Do other women go through so much emotional turmoil over having a C section?  How do we deserve any of this?

I almost hate myself for this, but I actually said to DH last night, “I don’t know how I’ll feel in a couple of years, but I don’t know if I can ever go through all this again.  I don’t know if I’ll ever want another baby.”  I know it’s just because I’m defeated right now, but then it just makes me pissed again that this is how I feel.

Side note:  It’s funny that I just saw that this month’s PAIL topic is about the decision to have another baby.  I’ll submit this post, and I’m sorry that it couldn’t be cheerier.  It’s just where I’m at right now.  Oh, I know that I’ll probably feel different once my baby is in my arms and blah blah blah, but I’m not in the mood to hear it right now.  So commenters have been warned.

I want to just stay in a hole until I go into labor and then get the awful thing over with.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m so grateful and excited to have my baby, but I just want to get to the point where we’re at home and I’m salvaging whatever bond was lost because we couldn’t be together during the first few moments of birth.  I want my baby, and I want my control back.

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About babyandthegeeks

I'm just a 28 year old neurotic hippie/geek, and I'm just doing my thing.

11 responses »

  1. I’m taking a risk here commenting 😉 but I just want to say that you will not be “salvaging whatever bond was lost” by having a c-section. That statement implies that I didn’t get to bond thoroughly with my own son because I had a c-section (breech). Believe me – this child could not be bonded to me any more than he is – and that bond was instant. It did not take time to develop. He was born, I saw him, he was next to me within seconds, and he was never taken from me from that point forward. A neat story – he cried and cried until the moment he was put next to me, up to my mouth so he could smell me breathing. He calmed down instantly. All the nurses and doctors said that he knew me – and I believe that to this day. That was our instant, complete bond right there!

    I, too, was worried about missing out on some bonding due to the section but it ended up being a non-issue. I was heartbroken over not being able to deliver naturally, drug-free. But you know? After everything we went through to get this baby, the last thing I wanted to do was complicate his birth or put him at ANY risk beyond what my doctors were comfortable with. I was born breech naturally and I was fine. My sister was born breech naturally, and her birth almost killed my mother. I was not taking the risk for either of us. It was that simple for me. I know it’s not that simple for everyone. Maybe my family history made it easier for me.

    I am a firm believer that babies settle in a certain way in the uterus for a reason (and not because they “want to.” That is absurd.). My son was breech – that’s how he settled very early on. I did not try the version because that CAN introduce cord issues – that is a fact that I researched the hell out of. I figured that he was there, that way, for a reason and I didn’t want to mess with it. I would not have been able to forgive myself had the version, or a natural birth, gone tragically wrong due to his breech position.

    I think you’re going to be so pleasantly surprised at your ability to FULLY bond with your son, even with a c-section. It’s going to be OK! I promise! 🙂

    Reply
  2. I sincerely hope that anybody reading knows that I don’t mean to imply that women who have had c sections don’t have a connection with their baby. I think it’s a real fear that many women go through, and I have read stories of some women who do feel this way because they didn’t get to vaginally birth their babies. I understand that this is not everyone’s experience, and I hope that it won’t be mine. Just as I don’t take offence to women’s stories on why they are against ECVs. I understand why some women wouldn’t, but every person and situation is different. I felt comfortable with it, both my baby and I were fine, and I don’t regret it.
    I do know that they will be taking the baby to the nursery while they are sewing me up though. I have been assured that as soon as I’m stable the hospital we are going to is good about bringing the baby right back to me. The thought about being separated at all though is breaking my heart.
    Thanks for sharing your story, momma! It is appreciated, and I really hope to have a similar experience.

    Reply
  3. I’m pissed off for you and just want to scream at the top of my lungs that BREECH SHOULD NOT EQUAL AUTOMATIC C-SECTION! I know you have to take your hubby’s opinions into consideration and I respect that you’re doing that, but 4 hours for labor is nothing, you’re extremely unlikely to pop the kid out in the 4 hours it takes for the drive. But enough from me, it’s not my decision. I am sorry and angry for you and I hope the experience isn’t as miserable as you are envisioning, none of this is fair but I hope holding your son in your arms will make it all worth it.

    Reply
  4. What helped me when faced with this …and it’s still uncertain what will happen for us…. Was reading a book of c section birth stories. Also, I think it’s good if you can plan to have two support people: one w you in recovery , and your husband goes with bub off to the nursery.

    I tell you what I kept shouting…. I just WANT SOMETHING to be natural. So you made my baby in a lab, great, Ta, ive had a crappy pregnancy thanks, but I want a NORMAL labour And breastfeeding. And I felt a c section could take away both. I was RAGING for weeks about it. It’s weird, but now that they say I am likely going natural, I’m past the rage. I know what I’d prefer, but the punch in the throat phase (on this) is over! As another ivf-er, I completely understand where you’re coming from.

    Reply
  5. Pingback: july 2012 – monthly theme posts – family building – PAIL Bloggers

  6. Oh honey. This just plain ole sucks and I am so sorry! I had an emergency c-section with my first (after 28 hours of labor, and 1 hour of pushing). And it was heart breaking!!! It is definitely a loss that you have to grieve for. Especially after fighting through IF. Fighting through all those emotions of not being “woman enough” or whatever crap we tell ourselves in the darkness of another BFP or miscarriage. I remember sobbing to my husband one day saying that I wasn’t even a real woman because I couldn’t get pregnant, stay pregnant, squeeze the baby out on my own, or supply breastmilk afterward. He looked me square in the eye and said “they used to have a name for women like you” *gulp… please don’t say barren! ha!* “dead. You would have died without that c-section.” And he was right. It doesn’t sound like that’s why you’re headed into one, and that’s even worse. So just, I’m sorry and let yourself go through the grief process of losing your right to have a baby the way that you should be able to. It is a big loss. And anyone who doesn’t get that, well their opinion doesn’t matter anyway. What the hell do they know? *hugs*

    Reply
  7. Hi, I just found your blog on PAIL. I didn’t get a chance to read your whole situation (just the last few posts), but I just wanted to let you know you do have other options. There are midwives in Austin who will take you as late as you want and who will either flip that baby or attempt to deliver breech. I’m a nurse practitioner in DFW and a big proponent of natural birth, midwives, homebirth, etc. I can help you find someone who is willing to at least give your body a chance to do what it was made to do. Please feel free to email me if you’re interested. Good luck to you!

    Reply
  8. Here from PAIL!

    Another c-section mama here! My girls screamed and screamed while they stitched me up and I was worried that they were scared or felt abandoned or who knows what, but I think my husband brought them to me one at a time (I don’t even remember, lol, so much going on!) and once we got into the recovery room the nurses popped the babies right on me so I could snuggle them, and it was MAGIC. And my hospital was awesomely breastfeeding-friendly and the nurses stuck a baby on my boob, then came back 15 min later and put the other baby on the other one, back and forth until they brought me to my room. They latched beautifully and opened their little eyes to look at me and my milk came in full-force by Day 3 and everything has been, generally speaking, awesome since. When they cry and I pick them up, they clearly register “Mommy has me” on their faces and in their body language and let me tell you, that first time a crying baby stops crying as soon as you scoop them up? Amazing. So, so amazing.

    I don’t want to take away from your fears AT ALL because they are totally valid, and I get the whole “this is our one chance” thing, AND I’m not assuming in any of this that you’re implying moms who have c-sections can’t bond with their babies! I just want to reassure you that I had a c-section and I bonded with mine right away and breastfeeding went just fine. (My recovery was pretty much a breeze, too.) So don’t stress now! Stress later only if you need to, and turn that stress into mom-fury (and get your man on board, too) so you can make demands of the staff if needed. <333

    Reply
  9. C-Sections can be ok! I was frustrated too that I didn’t get the birth I wanted (and I still hope you can) but My Main Man is perfect and loves me muchly!

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  10. Also stopping by from PAIL… and boy, did your post resonate with me. I was terrified of having to have a C-section (based on my own research and feelings, and no one else’s experiences helped calm me down). I was even threatened with one if I “…didn’t push this baby out in the next ten minutes.” Um… great. I’ll totally be able to relax now, but thanks for ruining my birth experience, dick. We are committed to a home birth with a midwife this go around should circumstances allow it. The birth experience is deeply personal, and the heart wants what it wants. Your feelings are totally valid and should be acknowledged and respected. I’m sorry for when it feels like they simply are not. I hope you are able to get every ounce of joy out your experience that you can. 🙂

    I also just wanted to say that it boggles my mind when people who know your background assume you are cured now. I get this from friends and family (including one who was an OB nurse!). Now, given my current situation, I don’t have a leg to stand on when I say having HGB didn’t magically cure my PCOS. But, alas… I guess that’s why we have each other!

    I’ll be thinking of you!

    Reply
  11. I was totally deflated when I ended up with a c-section with my son and I really struggled with it for a while. But I breastfed that boy for over a year, I stay home with him, he always nursed like a champ. He is healthy and perfect and I bonded with him instantly. The c-section totally took away the med-free vaginal birth that I desired and left me feeling powerless. It sucked and it was a little traumatic, but 14 months out, really it’s only a blip on my considerations for #2. Successfully exclusively breastfeeding him really helped heal some of my IF wounds and body issues I had from the c-section.

    Best of luck with the birth of your baby boy!

    Reply

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