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Monthly Archives: August 2012

Yeah, So That Happened…

We had an appointment at the midwife today.  Everything was looking good for the both of us.  We had a good talk, and started wrapping things up.

Jasper was fussy and crying as expected, and I was trying to nurse as much as possible.  We finally needed to check me out though, so I had to put him back in the carrier that was on the floor (I was sitting on a couch in front of him).  The midwife needed to leave the room for a second.

So there we were.  I was trying to calm him by giving him a pacifier, and he wasn’t having any of it.  I then heard something above me and noticed some ceiling flakes started falling on us.  Then a chunk of ceiling fell by his carrier.  “OH! OH!” was all I could muster out.

I looked up and the light fixture (one of the long box ones) was swinging right over my baby.  If the one side with the wires hadn’t have held it would have fallen right on top of him.

I quickly scooped him up and ran to the other side of the room.  The midwives ran in after that.  I had no clue how it happened as I was looking at the baby.  I was a bit shook up at first, but after seeing he was ok I calmed down.

I think the midwives were more upset than I was.  It really was just a freak accident.  Would happen to me.  As long as my baby is fine, I’m fine.

Oh, and he now weighs 9 pounds 8 oz.

Crazy.

High Needs Baby?

Wow, I just found this.  It is DEAD ON Jasper!

It makes me feel relieved that I’m not crazy.  Although not too excited that it seems like this isn’t just a phase.

Looks like we’re once again taking a journey that is different from most.

I’m excited to read as much as I can on this and figure out how to help my baby.

I should have known my baby would be “unique” 😉

One Month

  My baby is one month old today! He had another “perfect” doctor’s visit last week.  As of Thursday he is 8 pounds 14 oz and 21 and 1/2 inches.

Part of me is amazed how fast he’s growing, how much he’s changed, and cherishes these moments.  Honestly though, there’s another part of me that can’t get these few months over fast enough.

I have a fussy baby.  We are getting a bit more content time, but not really much at all.  Its like he wants to be constantly stimulated, but nothing keeps his attention for long.  The only thing that pacifies him is the breast.

Oh, my poor nipples.  They’ve developed this thing now where about 20 minutes after feeding they get super hard and just hurt.  It doesn’t last for long, but its not fun.

It’s rough.  My life now is somewhere between boredom and frustration.  I’m either stuck on the couch breastfeeding him for hours, or I’m trying to rush to pee or prepare meals while he’s crying.  There’s not much in between.

He fights sleep except for in our bed.  Its the only place he will really go down for longer than 10 minutes.  This would be nice if it wasn’t for the fact that I can’t leave him alone in the bed.  I’m sitting here beside him now.  The only time I can find to write out this post.

I see so many of you posting all the time with your newborns, I see friends on FB taking their 2 month olds to the zoo or out for a picnic, and I’m completely jealous.  I feel like we’ll never get to do any of it, and that I’m stuck here in this house.

We did have a few firsts this week.  I took him into Wal.greens with me after his doctor appointment to get a couple of things.  We were only in there for 5 minutes though, and he was screaming again by the time we got to the car.  I also actually went out alone this weekend.  Just to the store to try out another type of pacifier (will use it, but not for a long time), get some stamps to send out birth announcements, and pick up some lunch.

It was nice to get away for a bit, but I haven’t really built up a good stored breastmilk supply at home and hubby was using most of it up.  He constantly feeds, so what time do I get to pump?  I’ve now developed a system of feeding him from only one breast at night, and then pumping from the other every four hours so that I can get about two bottles.

DH and I also took him on a grocery run yesterday.  We fed him a bottle and headed out.  It was only 10 minutes or so before he was fussing again and I fed him another bottle.  Then he was fussy again 20 minutes after that and was preparing for a good cry by the time we got to the checkout.  So I took him to the car, and he actually was asleep by the time I got there.  He woke up about 5 minutes later and screamed the entire way home.  Needless to say, it scared me to do it by myself anytime soon.

Ugh, DH says that I should just go out and let him fuss and cry.  Easy for him to say, but I just can’t be that person who’s baby cries the entire time they’re out somewhere.  I really just don’t know what to do.  I’ve tried to breastfeed him while he’s in the Mo.by, but can’t figure out how to do it without flashing boob.

I’m so grateful for this handsome little guy, I love him to pieces, but I feel like I can never make him happy.  As much as it kills me to say this, I just can’t wait until this period is over with.  How do people do this?

I don’t want to end this post on a negative note though.  My baby is awesome.  We both have our good days and bad days, but we’ll get through this.  One month down!

 

And Now the Post In Which You Hate Me

I’ve been wanting to brag about this for some time, but really haven’t had a place to do it because I’m sure I will be so hated on for it.  This is my blog, and my space so I figure its the place to do it.

So here goes…

Pregnancy has made me the skinniest I’ve been in over 7 or so years.

I don’t remember exactly when I was this weight last.  I know when I was about 20 I was around 160.  By the time I met DH when I was 24 I had blown up to about 240.  After a few years I got back down to 220.  To get IVF I had to get down to 210.

I know it was because of the GD and diet that I didn’t gain a whole lot during pregnancy.  When I went into labor I was 230.

I wasn’t really concerned about what I weighed, but one of the things people kept asking me after I had the baby was how much I weighed now.  I think it was because I looked so “skinny” afterwards.  For me anyways.  My belly is still very flubby, but different than it was before.

So I finally got on the scale about a week ago.  I was 208, and although all I do now is sit on my duff and eat constantly (I eat ALL THE CARBS!!) I actually was 206 as of yesterday.

I’m not really concerned about weight.  I think it would be awesome to get under 200 eventually, but I’ve got other things to focus on right now.  I just wanted to brag a bit.  Sorry.

Ok, to make you feel a bit better, I’m going to admit a bit about how geeky we truly are.  My DH chose Jasper’s middle name.  So where did Malcolm come from?

This guy

Why did I like it?

This guy

So yeah, we’re geeks, but I’m a skinny geek 😛

 

Training Wheels Are Off

Today is the last day that MOL will be with us, and we won’t have any extra hands until October.  The training wheels are off.  While I still wonder how anything will get done, we are starting to settle into more of a routine.  Somewhat.

After the first few days at home, DH and I were a little lost.  Duh, I know, but this was certainly not what we really expected.  Jasper wanted to nurse ALL THE TIME.

There was no schedule.  No eating every three hours.  He wanted to be on the breast 24/7.  He wanted to fall asleep with the nipple in the mouth and stay asleep on me.  If he was taken away from me he would fuss and cry until he was put back on.

We tried everything to give me some sort of a break, but we finally gave into the realization that this was life now.  I was banished to the couch with the baby on my breast until…..Well, who knows?  Six weeks?  Eight?  This can’t last forever, right?

We wondered if this was even normal.  Don’t newborns have more than 20 minutes of “content” time a day?  That’s about all we get first thing in the morning.  The rest of the day is spent nursing, crying, or sleeping.

That’s why I was so glad to see Michelle’s post yesterday at A Miracle in the Works.  It was so relieving that we weren’t the only ones dealing with this.  We weren’t crazy.

I can see though now why most women would give up on breastfeeding.  Sitting on your butt all day doesn’t sound that bad, but this is hard.  Harder than anyone hinted at.

It’s almost impossible to get anything done but nursing.  You can easily feel trapped in your own home.  Going to the store seems impossible let alone going to the mailbox, the kitchen to eat, or even just to the bathroom to pee.  There were moments I seriously considered getting adult diapers.  I already have on a pad and two nursing pads….

We did have our first outing to our pediatrician appointment last Thursday.  The great news, Jasper is “perfect” and was back up to his birth weight.  He’s getting plenty to eat!  The bad news, he cried through the whole trip except for when I nursed a bit in the exam room.

Sigh, just have to keep reminding myself that it will get better.  I just have to be strong.  I adore my baby.  I love being his Mom.  It’s not easy, but I have no desire to quit breastfeeding.

Ooop, well sorry to cut it short again, but someone is waking up.  Just three more weeks of this….right?

P.S.  Thanks to everyone for the kind comments lately, and sorry I haven’t really responded.  Time is escaping me 😛

2 Weeks

My baby is fast asleep in his crib for like the first time ever!  How could I have ever imagined that this kid would not be attached to me?  I can hardly get a minute without him.  Not that I really want to.  Even now I’m getting antsy to go watch him.

He LOVES the boobies.  He wants to be on them 24/7.  For food, for comfort, for sleep, and just because.  I was a mess for the first few days because he was getting frustrated that my milk wasn’t coming in.  I supplemented a bit of formula, but we both were so happy when it finally came in on day 5.  I’m glad that he doesn’t seem to have any nipple confusion.  This kid breastfeeds like a champ.

I love the attachment, but it can be hard since I literally can’t do anything but sit and nurse him all day long.  It hasn’t been so bad since we’ve had in-laws here to help, but I worry about when they leave.  How will I clean?  Go grocery shopping?  Or even get up to pee?  Because if this kid is not on the breast, he loses his mind.  Nothing comforts him.  No swaddling, pacifiers, car rides.  Nothing but the breast.  I guess I could let him “cry it out” a bit more, but it just breaks my heart.  I can’t do it.

We’ve even moved to co-sleeping even though I was so against it.  I had a hard first couple of nights with the idea of it.  I just sobbed when night would come.  I was so worried that we were putting him at risk.  What if DH rolls over on him?  What if he gets smothered?  What if he overheats?

At the midwife visit though they ordered me to get more sleep, basically telling me that I looked like complete shit.  So since we moved to the co-sleeping we’ve all gotten more rest and are a lot happier.

I just have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t going to last forever.  Of course that also just makes me sad that he won’t be attached to me like this forever.

Sorry this is so short and all over the place.  I wanted to update, but my mind is somewhere else 😉

Jasper’s Birth Story

I can’t believe that it was just a little less than a week ago that Jasper’s birth story began.

Last Thursday (my due date) we went to the midwife for an appointment, but I wasn’t really having any signs of impending labor.  She wasn’t going to check my cervix, but I asked her to do so for my own sanity.  I was 70% effaced and 1 cm dilated.  It really meant nothing as far as how long until I would go into labor, but I was thrilled to know that at least my body was doing what it was supposed to be doing.

We talked a bit about what the midwife and the doctor went over as far as the GD.  The doctor didn’t see any sense in getting me on meds now, but he did want me to get an ultrasound at 41 weeks and then an induction at 41 and 1/2 weeks.  So we finished up the exam, made an ultrasound appointment, and went home.

My Mom and I spent the rest of the day walking around the neighborhood, but I was really starting to feel like I would be pregnant forever.  That night I sent DH to the couch to sleep because I really couldn’t take his snoring that night.

At about 2:30 that morning I awoke to a menstrual cramp.  Or was it?  That’s what it felt like, but it was short.  Like a minute long.  I dozed back off.  10 minutes later I felt it again.  Dozed off.  Again in 10 minutes.  I decided to get up and go to the restroom.  No bloody show.  Maybe if I lay back down in a different position it will go away.

It came back.  It was definitely in a wave.  It would start and then intensify, and then go away.  I decided just to start timing them.  They were starting to average 7-8 minutes now.  Was this really it?  My stomach isn’t tightening though.  It really just feels like a menstrual cramp.  As it went on it did start to go toward my back, but I still just wasn’t sure.  I started to search for “false labor” on my phone.  I’m sure that’s what it is.  Don’t get your hopes up.

I decided to just see how it went until about 5 am.  Then I would go, wake up my DH and Mom and ask if they think we should call the midwife.  Needless to say, it was still happening at 5 am.  So I went to the bathroom one last time.  I had brown tinged mucous.  I still wasn’t going to say I was in labor.

I calmly woke everyone up and told them what was going on.  We decided to go ahead and call the midwife.  She said that she felt I was definitely in labor, that she would call the hospital to alert them that we were on our way, and that we should start heading in.  In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t wait any longer.  We made it into the hospital by 6, but any later and we would have been trapped in hour long rush hour traffic.

Checking In

We got to the hospital and got checked in.  Midwife #3 met us there as she was the one on call and said that Midwife #2, my main midwife, would be in later.  Once we got settled and they put all the monitors on me, the nurse checked me.  I was 100% effaced, but still only 1 cm dilated.  She informed me that there were scheduled C sections at 8:30 and 9:30, and that we would get in after that.  At that time (maybe 7 ish?  After this point time is really non existent for me) it was fine.

Soon Midwife #3 got a call.  There was another woman they were taking care of that was 2 weeks past her due date with her third child.  She is notorious for going fast (like for her second child she was making pancakes and suddenly the baby came out.  Husband had just enough time to catch him.  Crazy), and of course was going into labor the same time I was.  So midwife had to go, but assured me Midwife #2 was getting ready and on her way in.

No one is happy when having a contraction

This is when things got crazy.  The contractions started getting stronger.  I could barely stand it.  I couldn’t get into any comfortable position in that bed.  At one point I got on all fours on the bed.  That felt better, but I couldn’t stay that way with all these wires hooked onto me and my bare butt in the air in that stupid hospital gown.  The doctor finally came in with the sonogram to make sure baby was still in breech position.  He was, and then decided to check how long I was coming along.

In half and hour I had dilated to 3 cm.  The doctor was actually going to tell us that we may have to push back the operation until 12:30, but then they realized they had to get me in there NOW.  If this baby wasn’t breech and his head would have been pushing on my cervix, I would have had him in only a few hours.  That’s not how the story goes though.

So before I knew it we were walking into the OR.  It was freezing in there!  They got me on the table and prepared me for the spinal tap.  I informed them that I had a cyst on my spine, and of course it happened to be right where they really needed to be.  They aimed for a bit higher.  Now, it may be my own ignorance but on tv they make a spinal tap look like just stick a needle in and done.  No, no, no.  It’s a lot of sticking, and it felt like it took ten minutes.  I’m not sure what’s worse.  The cold, the pain of the tap, or the fact that if you have a contraction during you just have to endure it and keep still.

When it was done they laid me down.  I was shaking uncontrollably, and they put all kinds of heating things on me.  One problem though, although I was feeling a bit tingly, I could still feel everything!  I could lift my legs, feel cold and needles on my legs.  So they quickly called the anesthesiologist back and got a longer needle.  So I had to do the tap all over again.  This time he also nicked my cyst, but only a bit of fluid came out.

After that I was completely numb.  I really had more like a spinal tap and a half.  I felt NOTHING.  So finally they let DH in, and he sat beside me.  This is when it was all hitting me.  I was about to be cut open.  “I’m so scared,” I told him.  He comforted me, and the anesthesiologist nurse told me that they had already cut in.  Knowing made me feel a bit better.

It felt like a lifetime that they were in there.  Suddenly they said that they were pulling him out.  I heard someone ask how many times it was wrapped around his neck.  His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times!  No wonder he didn’t want to move!  At that point all I could think of was, “Cry, please, cry”.  It was seconds before he was wailing.  The whole OR echoed in his wails.  I started to cry I was so relieved.

The nurses were fawning over him.  Look at those long features, those eyelashes, he’s already ready to nurse!  I could barely see the nurses cleaning him up in the corner, but I could see his pink skin and it made me feel so much better.  DH was off to take pictures.

Jasper Malcolm was born at 9:24 am on July 27.  He was 7 pounds 15 ounces (suck it skeptic midwives) and 20 3/4 inches long.

They brought him to me for only a moment, and you really don’t get a good look at them.  Then off with Daddy to the nursery.

Tired, doped up, and elated.

It takes a long time for them to sew you back up, but the nurse with me was very sweet and kept me entertained while I was there.  Let me take this time to say that EVERY nurse I came into contact there was absolutely WONDERFUL.  Everyone was kind, attentive, and accommodating.

After they finished up they wheeled me into recovery.  Because I had such a strong dose of the tap my breasts were still kind of tingly, but they were already ok with the baby coming to me.  So really I only had to wait a few minutes before he was skin-to-skin with me.

I couldn’t get over him.  He had a full head of hair (and some on his back), eyebrows, long eyelashes, and was just really cute!

  That’s Midwife #2 in the background.  She was so upset she missed me before I went in.  We really had no clue I would go so fast.  She was apparently great behind the scenes making sure the baby would get back to me as soon as I got into recovery.

Then we put him to my breast, and he latched on immediately!  I cannot begin to express my relief and joy.  Every fear melted away.  It was so blissful.

What normally would have taken a few hours in recovery took double because it took so long to get the feeling back into my legs after the spinal taps.  I finally got wheeled into a room though and we got settled in.

Special Delivery from Aunt, Uncle, and new Cousin in Chicago!

 

We only spent two days in the hospital.  Both Jasper and I did great.  My baby is a breastfeeding champ!  We agreed that this wasn’t the path we wanted to take, but it couldn’t have been a better experience.  Everything went smoothly, the staff was fantastic, mommy and baby were together as much as possible and were both healthy.  I was happy to be heading home though on Sunday.

The entire way home I cried.  Everyone can tell you that having a child is different.  That you will love them so much.  You will not get it until you have a baby.  I’m so in love with him.  It feels like something beyond love.  I’m so lucky and blessed to have him.  I just can’t explain this feeling.

I just hope that every woman on the infertility journey can find this joy in whichever path they have to take.  Every woman deserves this, and I wish more people would understand and appreciate that.

I wish I could write more and there’s more stories to be told, but it will have to come in spurts.  That’s his birth story, and now he needs to be fed.  Not only can’t I believe that I get to be a Mommy, but I get to be his Mommy.  I’m so blessed!