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Monthly Archives: September 2012

At Arms Reach

Recently in the HN Support Group, MANY women have gotten the news that they are pregnant.

“Who the he#$ kicked over the bucket of baby dust? I seem to have been dusted by accident!”

The same lady to said this then posted a positive pregnancy test, and then another post asking when everyone is due.  I get an alert every time someone posts in this group, and I’m getting sick of all the pregnancy crap.  It’s not a pregnancy group.  In one of the posts, they even started this comment bickering about how you can or can’t really have an “accidental child”, the damage you do to the kid by telling them they were an accident, blah blah blah.
They don’t want to hear the comment I have for them all….

It’s not that I’m jealous.  In fact I was just telling my brother’s wife that I don’t think that we will ever try artificial conception again.  Not that we had a bad experience with it, but that I don’t know if I could ever handle having another High Need baby.  Sure, I could possibly have a baby that doesn’t cry all day long, but at this point I don’t want to risk it. We won’t use protection, but its highly doubtful we would ever naturally conceive.  Especially since DH has NOT quit smoking…..grr….but that’s another post….

It’s more that I know I’m not the only infertile in the group, and even if you reached the other side it can still be annoying to be bombarded by pregnancy news.  Especially the “accidental” ones.  These women bitch all the time about their kids.  I know its just venting and they love their children, but still.  I just have to roll my eyes when someone posts about how they hate being a mom and then two hours later complains about morning sickness.

Congrats on your news, but I can’t comment because it should stay a positive place.  So I’ll keep myself at arms reach and just bitch about them here 😛

In other news:

I got a wild hair up my ass and really wanted to go to Once Upon a Child yesterday.  So after breakfast I loaded the baby up, and away we went.  He was of course wailing by the time we got there.  I took him out of the car seat, into the, and stuck a bottle in his mouth.

I quickly looked around and saw a co-sleeper for $70.  I didn’t have much time to look at the maker, but it looked sturdy and clean.  So before J could lose his cool, I bought it and loaded both of them into the car.

He was in meltdown mode by the time we got home, but actually fell asleep as soon as I set him down (for only half and hour, but did sleep).  So I got to take a good look at my new purchase.  It was an Arms Reach Mini with extenders and an extra mattress cover.  So a $200 item for $70.  Go me!

As much as the bed rail was working, it wasn’t.  The baby would snuggle up to me at night and I was scared of smothering him, so I would scoot back.  We were essentially scooting DH right out of the bed.  Plus, I hated being stuck in the middle and was overheating.

So how did our first night with the co-sleeper go?  Well, you do still have to pick him up and place him in it.  So once we were ready for bed I nursed and when he had fallen asleep I set him in it.  He fell asleep!…for ten minutes.  Ok, took him back out, nursed him, he fell asleep, I put him back in.  He instantly woke up.  Ok, again….but this time I swaddled him.  Nurse, asleep, put him in.

He didn’t wake up until 6 AM!

Now that’s not to say I didn’t.  I woke up about 4 am crazy engorged.  I got up, pumped one breast, and laid back down convinced that he was going to wake up and want the other one.  5 am rolled around, and I couldn’t sleep with my boob hurting that bad.  So I pumped.  Sure that I made a mistake.  Luckily though it wasn’t until 6 that he got out of his swaddle and woke himself up.

By that time DH was getting ready for work.  So he spent the rest of the morning in bed with me.  I still call that a success though.

Bad news:  He would NOT nap today!  I’m tired, he’s tired.

Lets see how tonight goes.


On Being Thankful

This week I saw this message on the High Needs Baby Support Group on FB:

“I wish this new baby had never been born. I told my husband when I was pregnant, that I’d rather have a miscarriage than another baby like R. So what happened? Lightning struck us twice, and we have another colicky, high needs little shit.”

Of course at first I was shocked and angry.  How can someone say that?  We know and have seen so many people that would give anything to have her baby.  HN or colicky.

But then you really have to remember that the support group is somewhere to vent.  Somewhere to be safe to say things.  Having a baby that cries all the time and doesn’t sleep is hard.  This woman went through this once, and now after the job of pregnancy and labor she’s going through it again.  I know lack of sleep can make you crazy.

I just couldn’t comment though.  There were many that did.  The not nice ones were deleted, and many tried to be supportive.  I just couldn’t say anything.  As much as I understand, I’ve just been too deep on the other side of that coin.  So I guess if you don’t have something nice to say…

J has been very fussy the last couple of days.  We tried to get him out again and take a trip to Car.ters to get him some pants (my baby has grown out of the NB sizes and needs 0-3).  He was in the, but still only lasted about 10 minutes before the melt down.

It’s not fun that he cries most of the time.  He has no way of showing me any love or appreciation for everything I do for him.  He can’t comprehend that Mommy is trying to do what’s best for him, that she needs to pee, sleep or eat.

He just needs me, and as difficult as that can be sometimes, that what you sign up for when you decide to have a baby.  Really, I think he’s an awesome kid.  He’s handsome, he’s smart, and someday he will be able to hug me and tell me he loves me.  I just have to be patient.  We don’t get to pick our kids, but maybe they picked us.  I just have to try to be what he needs me to be.

I’m so thankful for him.  I’m also thankful for my awesome DH.  He doesn’t always help in the way I wish he would.  He could pick up or do a bit of sweeping without me having to ask, but he does everything for J and me.

A lot of HN Moms don’t get support and understanding from their husbands.  They think they should be able to control their babies, and don’t even try to help or change a diaper.  It’s sad.

So many things can be worse.  He’s healthy, he’s alive, and he’s ours.  He’ll grow up way too fast.  So I’ll just hug him, kiss him, he’ll cry, and I’ll be thankful.

I’ve Got to Admit

It’s getting better (better)

A little better all the time (it can’t get more worse)

Every day does get a little better.  We’re having more awake and alert time, but he does need to be constantly entertained at those times.  It is a little easier to entertain him now that he can see and focus on things better though.

A lion rattle that I got him is now a lot more interesting, and he’ll follow it as we pass it across his field of vision.  He smiles and is so close to laughing at Daddy’s noises or Mommy’s tongue sticking out of her mouth.  He’ll sit a little longer in the stroller or swing as long as he can see someone (about 10-20 minutes).

We still really haven’t gotten out of the house though.  We did go to a friend’s house last Sunday.  It was actually really nice.  She invited all her girlfriends, and while I didn’t know anyone else we all had children there.  Jasper was the youngest, but there were plenty of babies.  So there wasn’t an issue of putting a nursing bib on and continuing conversation.  We actually stayed for 3 hours!  The ride to and back had plenty of wails, but I still wish we could do that every weekend.

For the last couple of Saturdays I’ve left DH with J and as many bottles of BM as he wants as I go out to shop.  The funny thing is that once I’m out, all I do is wish I could have my baby with me.  I know I just need to take him out and get him used to it, but I’m terrified of the nightmare it could potentially become.

I also wish DH and I could get more time alone together.  Sometimes I feel we need to charge our relationship as a team.  It can feel so lonely sometimes.  I miss him a bit.  I know we’ll figure it out.

I also honestly do enjoy the alone time.  Sometimes I feel bad that I just give DH the baby and a bottle as soon as he’s done eating dinner every night, but I need that 30 minutes (I actually got an hour last night).  Then during Saturdays I can get a couple of hours.

Oh, I finally got a mom cut.  I was tired of just throwing my hair up in a pony tail.  The random stylist I got at the mall salon was awesome, and here’s the end result:

I love it!

I can’t believe it’s been 7 weeks, and that we’re getting close to the 2 month mark.  My mother and brother’s family will be visiting in a few weeks.  As slowly as time seems to be going, it’s also flying by.

As tired and frustrated as this kid can make me, he also has me wrapped around his little finger.  I’m so enamored over him.  I can’t wait for him to get a bit older so we can do more, but I don’t let these moments go by unappreciated.  He’ll only be my baby for so long.


One Day at a Time

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.  I feel myself moving farther and farther away from this place.  Oddly enough, because I feel like I’m moving away from what this blog was, and to somewhere completely different.

Like I don’t belong anymore.  Not in a bad way, just in a very different way.  I moved from infertile, to pregnant, to getting to the other side, but I still landed on an island separated from the “normals”.

I see all these other mothers and babies, and I can’t believe the different experience I’m having.  Jasper is definitely high needs.  He needs to be held all the time.  If we do get any content time, he must be entertained by you the whole time.  If these things are not done, he will go straight into melt down cry mode and will not stop until he is on the breast.

He mostly wants to be on the breast.  He’s also getting lazy and giving me a shallow latch.  This is causing nipple blanching which hurts like hell!  He is starting to find his hands and start sucking, but he gets easily frustrated and starts to cry.

The only thing I’m so thankful he does do well is sleep.  As long as he’s in our bed anyway.  There are so many HN mommies who have to go through all this and not get any sleep.  It would make anyone go crazy.

Anyway, I found a support group on FB, and I mostly spend my online time there.  I know I could talk to any of you wonderful ladies about reproduction and normal baby behavior, but its just a place I feel I get great support when I ask, “How do you leave your house with the baby?”  Note:  biggest response I got was “we don’t”.

I feel so sorry for my baby that we’re cooped up in the house, but all he wants to do is be on the breast and if he doesn’t get that he just cries hysterically.  We get short walks around the neighborhood, but its hot here in TX and we can’t go out at dusk because of the mosquitos and West Nile.  He is crying by the time we get home though.  I’m trying to learn how to carry him in the and breastfeed at the same time, but it seems almost impossible to not suffocate him or flash boob at the same time.

Ugh, I know he’s healthy and happy if we keep to a strict routine.  Wake, breastfeed, nap in bed, breastfeed, sleep in bed.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Do not deviate from routine or prepare for wails.

I just worry that he’s not going to hit his milestones.  So far he seems ok.  He doesn’t get a lot of tummy time (because he hates it) except for on my belly.  He can lift his head up a bit and move it from side to side, he focuses well and is starting to recognize us, he’s starting to suck his hand and fingers, and is even smiling at us (the best!).  I just don’t want him to fall behind because he’s never content and seems to just sleep or breastfeed.

Sometimes I think he’s just too smart.  It seems like he wants to crawl or talk or do all these big boy things, but he can’t.  So he gets frustrated and melts down.

I don’t know.  I just try to take it one day at a time.  Some days are good.  Some are bad.  We’re just trying to figure out what works for us, and hope its best for him.

So I’m sorry if I’m not on here as much.  I’ll try to update with milestones as much as I can.  I’m still keeping up with all of you, and wishing you the best.

Just a little smile for you…